My Obligatory Father's Day Blog Post…sorry it's such a downer…
June 17, 2012
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Now Reading: My Obligatory Father's Day Blog Post…sorry it's such a downer…
June 17, 2012
It seems like every autism blog has a special Father’s Day blog post today, but I just don’t have it in me.
I just haven’t felt like writing these past few weeks.
Ever since Kyle had his seizures I’ve been on edge. My wife says I probably have PTSD.
And work’s been extra stressful lately but I can’t really get into that here…
And then my dad had a fall last week at his nursing home and is now in the hospital awaiting hip surgery. And with advanced parkinsons disease and at 82 years old & 110 pounds the recovery from that will probably not be easy.
And so I’ve been on edge. Kyle has been great, adjusting well to his new anti-seizure meds. My wife has been great, trying to talk me off the cliff.
But I’ve been in a FUNK. Snapping at the wife, snapping at Kyle, seeing the negatives before the positives.
On this Father’s Day when all my followers are posting on my FB wall saying what a great dad I am, I readily admit that I am no picnic to live with a lot of the time. And I don’t feel like a good dad, husband, son and brother these days. I can be extremely selfish.
As I said Kyle’s been great, but I still get annoyed or
down if things don’t go my way. For example, he’s been sleeping GREAT lately from like 8:30pm- 6am which should have me singing from the rooftops but selfish me, I get annoyed if the kid stretches his bedtime to 9pm-9:30pm once in a while. And I don’t get home til 6:45/7pm so you think I’d want an extra half hour to spend with my son, but no…I’m so spoiled with his 8:30 bedtime that an extra half hour ruins my plans.
And what do i do with my evening once the kid goes to sleep? What am I rushing for? Do I hang with my wife and do we enjoy each others company? Well sometimes, but on many nights we are like 2 ships that pass in the night. She’s doing her thing and I’m doing mine. And she’s always got little fun non-autism projects (like planning her HS reunion) that she takes on to clear her head and she tries to get me involved in or talk to me about but I’d rather watch the game and stay in my funk.
And where am I writing this? I’m writing this while sitting at the hospital visiting my dad. I’m sitting next to my mom and I’m writing this on my phone. And I’ll readily admit that I HATE being here. I can’t stand visiting my dad in the hospital. I love him and I love my mom and I understand that I’m here “for support” but he gets nothing out of my visit. I’m not sure he gets exactly why he’s here. And my mom is asleep in the chair next to me. So what am I doing here? I could be in my backyard watching my kid jump on the trampoline…or on my couch watching the Yankees game.
And because I hate going to the hospital my poor sister who lives a lot father away from my parents than I do has taken on the brunt of the “support” visiting more than me, taking my mom back & forth, etc, etc.
Maybe the trauma of seeing the seizures really got to me…. Maybe the site of seeing my dad suffering from Parkinson’s and knowing that it’s hereditary and probably heading my way is too much for me…. Maybe I need a secondary antidepressant to go along with my good ol’ Wellbutrin… (any suggestions are welcome 🙂
As usual, I’m rambling. I’m gonna end it here.
On this Father’s Day I just wanted you all to know that ol’ Autism Daddy may talk a good game but I’m not winning any father of the year awards in my present state.
Maybe I should start a new tradition, the Fathers Day Resolution (instead of a new years resolution) and resolve to try to be a better father, son, husband.
That’s all…over & out….
Happy Father’s Day everyone! Wow what a freaking downer I am! 🙂
Written byFrank Campagna
I’m a 48 year old neurotypical dad with a 14 year old son with severe, non-verbal autism & epilepsy. I created this blog to rant about autism & epilepsy while celebrating my son who I affectionately call “the king” :-).