Now Reading: 12 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong When You Have A Child With Autism

12 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong When You Have A Child With Autism

12 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong When You Have A Child With Autism

(originally written & published on December 24, 2011)

I always hear how the divorce rate in Autism Households is supposed to me astronomical (which really isn’t true, click here).  And then I read from many stories on my Autism Daddy Facebook Page about how their husbands (and yes a few wives) couldn’t handle the stress of living with autism and bailed out.

And whenever I hear that the first thing I think of is what cowards those people who bailed out are…especially the men.  The MANLY thing to do is to stay.  The masculine thing to do is to fight for your marriage and your family.

So I sat down and thought about what keeps my marriage strong and sane and thought, “let me write a blog post about it”.

Before I get into the list, you should know where I’m coming from.  I’ve got an 8 year old with severe non-verbal autism.  He is our only child.

Without further ado, in no particular order, here are my 12 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong and sane When Autism Hits….

1) Have an “us against the world mentality”
You are your spouse are both in this TOGETHER. The rest of your life is probably gonna be a roller coaster of ups and downs…but guess what?  A roller coaster is ALOT more fun when you’re sitting next to your best friend. And when you come up against battles along the way with doctors, school districts, family members, lawyers, etc it’s so much easier to have a teammate, a partner by your side. Also, you don’t always have to agree with each other on every course of action when it comes to your asd kid, but in public it helps to have a strong united front.


2) Have date nights out of the house as often as humanly possible….aka it’s ok to be selfish
I can’t stress this enough to all parents but especially to asd parents. Before you had kids you were a fun vivacious couple right?  Why does that need to change?  Ok when you are down in the trenches cleaning poop off the wall you don’t feel vivacious, but the wife and I try to get out together without our kid at least twice a month…sometimes it’s just dinner & a movie, other times we will meet friends out for drinks or go see a concert… Whatever works for you…  I wrote in another blog post how important being selfish is.  You can read that here.

And sometimes if you can’t afford a sitter you need to be ultra selfish and guilt your family into baby sitting by any means necessary.  There’s some months where we considered getting out for a date night an emergency situation and we tell the family accordingly. I wrote a bit about that in a previous blog post here…


3) Make room for SEX
Yes the autism is going to affect your love life BIG TIME.  But there’s GOTTA be room for it once in while right?  It may not always be the most romantic kind. We often have alot of wheeling and dealing and negotiating going on but it’s worth it.  And if you can swing it for us there’s sometimes nothing better than every couple of months using a sick day from work when you’re not actually sick…and your kid is in school…if you know what I mean…   🙂


4) Get a better sense of humor…  Quickly…
Life’s gonna really suck sometimes. Your kid is gonna do the CRAZIEST things!!!  But if you can just twist it on its head sometimes and look at things and seem how bizareely comical they are it can really help.  I mean my kid is licking the window!!  That’s freaking bizarre and funny!



“Does it taste good?”  The wife and I have a warped un-PC sense of humor. We curse like sailors and say to anyone who will listen that we will be THRILLED if Kyles first words are “What is wrong with you motherf–kers??”  I really feel that our warped sense of humor helps us get thru some of the dark times quicker than most…


5) Feel better by any means necessary…aka… Antidepressants are not a dirty word…
Really, no explanation necessary…. 2 years ago I finally bit the bullet and realized that I was kinda depressed and asked for help.  And the help came in a litte pill called…
Wellbutrin. For me, it did exactly what I needed it to do. It gave me more energy, more patience, and let me roll with the punches better.  I am still me, but a calmer, less intense, slightly more organized me.  My wife went on it about 6 months later and it has helped us both IMMENSELY. I wrote a separate blog post all about this that goes into alot more details about my experiences on Wellbutrin. You can read that one HERE 🙂


6) Have solo activities that recharge your batteries…
If you can’t get out as a couple as much as you’d like with the help of sitters, then at least make sure that you each have individual NON-AUTISM activities that you can do alone or with friends that will recharge your batteries.  I like to run and belong to a running group and once or twice a year I’ll sneak away with some friends for an overnight running adventure (marathon or relay) in another city.  I’m also on my company bowling team.  My wife has several different groups of mommy friends and they are often going out for dinner, drinks, dancing, etc.  Encourage your spouse and give her the opportunity to take a break away from autism…and a break away from you as much as possible.


7) Readjust your priorities.
Many men feel like being the provider Mon-Fri is JOB #1 and then spending the weekend doing manly weekend work (yard work, repairs, etc) is JOB #2 and are therefore not present for alot of their kids lives/ activities.  Maybe an adjustment is in order. Maybe skipping the yard work one Saturday and going with the family to special needs gymnastics is more important and would be more helpful to your spouse.For moms who are type a personalities  vacuuming and ironing every day isn’t as important as spending more time with your family. Also for you moms that need to have everything a certain way… You may be pushing your spouse away.. So what if your hubby puts your kid in mismatched socks or in wrinkled jeans?  At least he’s involved and helping getting the kid dressed…Just two small examples of readjusting your priorities but there are tons of others…


8). Live in the moment. Try not to look too far behind or too far ahead.
Easier said than done but oh so important.  Try to live each day as it happens. Try hard not to compare it to what happened yesterday or what may happen down the road.  ASD kids make progress, ASD kids regress.  What your kid did yesterday he might not do today and vice versa.  Also looking too far ahead can get you in a funk. Will your kid be self sufficient as an adult?  Will he need constant care?  Looking too far ahead can destroy you and your marriage.  Yes, you need to plan for it financially and mentally, but dwelling on it is deadly…


9) Get rid of the “what ifs”, the “blame game”, and the “grass is always greener” syndrome as soon as possible…
I still have problems with this one…  Not the blame game so much.  There’s no one to blame for my kid’s autism….especially not my spouse…   But I often get bogged down in the what if’s (what if I had a typical kid? would he love watching baseball with me?) and I still have a problem with the grass is always greener syndrome which I wrote about here….


10) Yell, scream, have fights with your spouse
Get it all out right then and there when you are mad about something.  It is much healthier than letting it stew and then giving them the silent treatment.


11) Get your asd kid and yourselves as much sleep as possible.
Your kid not getting enough sleep and being up all night is tortuous for,all involved. This may be controversial but I would say to do whatever you can, as early as you can to get your kid on a normal sleep schedule and when it’s age appropriate explore the supplement melatonin (a complete life saver for us that I wrote about here) and if necessary stronger sleep aids.  Sleep is important for your kids and it’s important for your sanity and for your marriage…


12) Get off the Internet and sit on the couch and watch TV with your spouse…
You successfully got your kid to sleep.  Now get off the Internet.  Stop researching that latest GFCF recipe.  Stop googling all things autism.  Stop trolling Facebook.  Stop reading Autism Daddy.  Turn off the computer and veg out on the couch and watch tv with your spouse….  Or better yet get, go,to bed… And get some sleep…or even better yet have some sex…  🙂


Written by

Frank Campagna

I’m a 48 year old neurotypical dad with a 14 year old son with severe, non-verbal autism & epilepsy. I created this blog to rant about autism & epilepsy while celebrating my son who I affectionately call “the king” :-).

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88 People Replies to “12 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong When You Have A Child With Autism”

  1. It is like we are walking in each others shoes. My husband and I know what you are going through and all of the 12 ways we related to on some level. We have 3 boys our youngest is 6 and he has non-verbal autism and our oldest is 12 and has Aspergers and there are days we just want to tare our hair out, but we stand together and it make it so much easier. I love my kids to pieces and wouldn't trade them for the world but, it is nice to know other people can relate/understand. Thanks for sharing!

  2. sarah from nz

    Sorry to see your awesome blogs been over run by these 'spellcasters'. Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. Sometimes your brain is so full of everything it's easy to forget the answers can be so simply and little. Date night next week I think and perhaps a sick day the week after 🙂 cheers to you for always being an inspiration

  3. Anonymous

    hello everyone i am proud to testify of the good work of the dr who helped me got my lover back in
    less than 3 days. I was happily married to the best Man in the world but suddenly after 6 years of our marriage my husband
    started behaving strange everything changed he didn't care about me and the kids anymore he was nagging every night and day and later told me he wanted us to separate and that's how he left. seriously i cried for a long time and one day i was going through the internet i saw a testimony of this great dr i wasn't interested at first but i decided to give it a try and that's how he helped me and i got my husband back begging to have me it was like a dream but its real we are still together till date.Anywhere you are dr thanks you are the best.For you out there if you are passing through any
    difficulty please contact him on his email he is still capable of solving other issues and he has helped most of my friends over.

  4. Anonymous

    My name is Elizabeth Lucas from UAS I have to give this miraculous testimony, which is so unbelievable until now. I had a problem with my Ex husband 2years ago, which lead to our break up. when he broke up with me, I was not my self again, i felt so empty inside me, my love and financial situation became worst, until a close friend of mine lucky told me about a spell caster who helped her in the same problem too his name is Dr Adolo. I email; the spell caster and i told him my problem and i did what he asked of me, to cut the long story short. Before i knew what was happening my husband gave me a call and told me that he was coming back to me in just 24hour and was so happy to have him back to me. We have two kids together and we are happy with ourselves. Thanks to Dr. Adolo for saving my relationship and for also saving others own too. continue your good work, If you are interested to contact him and testify this miracle like this, the great spell caster email address: great Adolo thank you from you miracle you have don,t in my life,thank you great man,

  5. Hello friends!my name is Sarah Morgan from U.K. I have been in great pain for almost 4 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband,we were happy and leaving well until he meant his old time girl friend and he started dating her outside our marriage before you knew it he stoped caring and taking care of his own family it was to the extent that he was planning to get married to her and divorce me his own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to any one but to cut my story short i came in search for a real spell caster who could destroy their relationship and make him come back to me and our 2 kids on my search i saw people making testimony on how their marriage where restored by Dr.Adolo i pick his and i narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me and after performing a spell on the second day both had a quarrel and he beat his girlfriend up and he came home begging for i and my little kids to forgive him that his eyes are clear now that he will never do any thing that will hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never cheat again.I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl. all appreciation goes to Dr.Adolo for you are a Great spell caster and to whom this may concern if you have a cheating husband or wife or you need your ex lover back again. you can as well email him on his email; thank you great Adolo for your help bring my husband back to me,thank you so much,thank you once again,

  6. I want to use this medium to thank Dr shiva for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he dont love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady's post of how Dr Shiva help help to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr shiva on ( a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be greatful to you Dr Shiva and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at and he will also save your marriage.

  7. Anonymous

    My name is Cynthia and my ex-boyfriend dumped me 8 months ago after I caught him of having an affair with someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confuse and don't know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony on how a spell caster help them to get their ex back so I contact the spell caster and explain my problems to him….. he cast a spell for me and assure me of 3 days that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise the third day my peter came knocking on my door and beg for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr OHEHE spell caster, you are truly talented and gifted contact his

  8. Anonymous

    OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony..I visited a forum here on the internet on the 20TH OF JUNE 2014, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called DR Ohehe on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until DR Ohehe did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you DR Ohehe you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his website: Email:( Mrs Miller Moore from England City

  9. Anonymous

    Today has being the most happiest day of my life after 1 year of sadness and sorrow without being with the one i love, i tried all my possible best to make sure i make my lover happy but it never seems to work out well it was like am doing everything in vain but all thanks to Dr OHEHE for coming to change all my worries and sadness to Joy. i knew the great man when i read some wonderful reviews about Dr OHEHE how he has helped a lots of people on there relationship problem i was reading a magazine which then i saw great testimonies as well which then i decided not to waste time because i have missed my lover so much i decided to contact him and share all my problem with him which then he told me not to worry that he assures me that within 48 hours everything would be sorted out i believed Dr OHEHE so much because i believe he can't fail me but truly Dr OHEHE never failed me a man that stand on his worlds is really a man,my husband who left me for good a year plus replied my text and returned my calls and asked me to please forgive him i was so happy am so grateful to Dr OHEHE for what he has done for me if you are there pass the same problem or any kinds of problem just contact the great man on or call his mobile number +2347031362391.

  10. Anonymous

    I and my boy friend as been separated for a long period, I cam across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my lover back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a spell man called DR Osimen, who helped me get my lover back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn't believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, I have been living happily with my lover now and will be getting married soon. Here is his contact if you need his help.

  11. Me and my ex-husband at all times have always tried to stay friendly over again after our divorce which occurred in early September this year. So i met with this spell caster Lord shinnok on the internet after a long search. And he told me everything that i needed to do, and he also assured me that he is going to reunite us in just 24 hours later after his spell casting. So he started his work on Monday 27th Oct. You are not going to believe this. He is back!!! Yes, he really came back in 24 hours just as you guaranteed Sir. Now I'm fully persuaded that you are a legit and authentic spell caster and your website is the best i have ever come across. This is so mind-boggling for me. Anthony is back!!! I haven't by any means experienced something like this before. Thank you so much Lord Shinnok. I never expected such a result. Dream come true. Wow! You were so kind with me. “And may your kindness float back to you like ripples that float back to sea shore”. Thank you Sir for your precious help. I have never been so happy in my life like the way i am today. You are a genuine spirit.You and your work will never be forgotten for making me a fulfilled woman and reuniting me and my ex husband once again.. You are my hero.. The kids are overjoyed to have their father come back home for good. Sir here i am sharing your testimony just as i promised. here is his website: and also his Email: thank you so much sir from your grateful client Shelly Gerald.

  12. I found this post through a facebook link by Autism Speaks to The Mighty webpage. (I always like to go back and find the original source of things rather than sharing reblogs.) 🙂 Anyway, I know this post is 3 years old, but it's perfect, and Thank You! Number 4 really made me smile. I've said many times that I wouldn't care if my son's first word was some form of the "F" word, as long as he was using it in proper context. 🙂 I hope you're still doing well! I'll have to check and see if you've been posting recently.

  13. Am Stella Robeson From London few days ago, so i emailed PROPHET AMEDE about my bad relationship condition, how my lover left me, how he was with another girl, so PROPHET AMEDE told me it would take 3 days to get my boyfriend back, i waited for 3 days, unbelievable my boyfriend came to my house asking me if we could try things out again. He broke up with the other girl and we rekindled and got back together, he now show me care and attention. PROPHET AMEDE was my last hope, my last chance after all the spell casters I tried before,PROPHET AMEDE kept his promise! he is the greatest spell caster on the internet, His email is{}

  14. My Name is Blessing.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my boyfriend back and he means so much to me..The boy i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our wedding for another woman..,When i called him he never picked my calls,he block me on his facebook and he changed he facebook status from married to Single…when i went to him to his place of work he told his boss he never want to see me..I lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life…I tried all i could do to have him back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting him back and how i lost my job…he told me he gonna help me…i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my boyfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday…My boyfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all he had done ..he said,he never knew what his doing and he sudden behavior was not intentional and he promised not to do that was like am dreaming when i heard that from him and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my husband called and he said i haven't seen anything yet… he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my boyfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 10 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for can email him at (

  15. Anonymous

    My husband has supported me with our son's therapies but unfortunately he himself was finding it hard to cope with the stress of his job, our son's therapy & follow through necessities, my working & going to school full time, his blood pressure problems, his depression, & our son's meltdowns that include headbanging & lots of screaming along injuring us if we are near him. My husband went into a dangerous stage where his mind took over control & tried to stop all the pain & confusion he was dealing with & he almost took two bottles of pills to end his life but luckily he immediately called me for help. I was so focused on my son's needs & my own that I saw my husband pulling away from us but did not realize to what extent his isolation was nor how deeply his depression was affecting him. He now has help from a therapist & he is more involved in family time & works out to help himself feel better. He is also now on mediation for his blood pressure & we are looking into ways to help him ease into our son's therapy sessions slowly since right now he feels his mind get jumbled up when thinking how he can help. We both deal with our non verbal autistic son's needs differently but that does not mean either of us are wrong. We both want was is best for our little boy & ourselves & we are working on finding the right balance for us all.

    –> Vionisia

  16. Anonymous

    Amen and well said!

  17. I and my boyfriend were meant to be forever but he met another girl at his work place. She did everything to break us apart B'cos she was younger and attractive, and finally my boyfriend moved in with her. I tried few cheap spells but to no avail then I ordered the most powerful love spell from and I don't regret it! i and my boyfriend are back together and happier than ever. if you are heart broken and you want your lover back contact this spell caster Robinson, he is A top spell caster of the season, he has such a perfect view on love spells that I believe he can solve any case given to him. I recommend his love spell to couples in need of help. Use his services, call him +19715126745 and you will have your lover back.
    Chloe DWAYNE

  18. I cannot believe this, my husband is back, i am greatful to see my husband returned with full force, Mr Robinson made this miracle to happen, Happiness has come to me at last, I am very pleased to say things are going well, I truly believe this spell has made difference in my relationship, Mr Robinson is truly gifted, I will recommend to anybody who's looking for a serious spell caster to cast a love spell him or her should contact this email robinsonbuckler@yahoo. com or call Mr Robinson + 19715126745, he wont disappointed you if you ask him to help you. All I want to say is that this spell caster MADE MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

  19. By chance your FB page came up on the suggestions column; so I checked you out. I appreciate your openness and I am glad you were at least aloud to have place to vent. Just keeping things in a journal where no-one knows but you is not enough. Thank you as well for the marital advice. I believe my son benefitted most when he saw my wife and I being affectionate over the years; and he vindicated his hurt feelings when our voices sounded stressed towards each other. There's more but this is your BlogSpot; not mine. Blessings, Larry

  20. TheGonzis

    Hi there!
    we got a 13 year old severely autistic son,I find myself reading your blog now and then, keep up the good work! we seem to be doing similar routines and "tricks". I read this list and must say that we are practically doing all of it lol

  21. Anonymous

    Love it! My husband and i have a 19 year old boy with autism. I truly believe that our son has made us alot stronger and in December we make 26 years together. He is a great dad and he and our I'm
    boy have such a loving relationship. I agree with
    Alot of what you listed. Sex is very important. Lol
    alot of what you listed

  22. Hello to the Entire Public, my name is Bradley Speck from Housto texas.I came to this site to share the good works of the Native Doctor (Dr Akim).I never believed in love,Money spells or magic until i meant this powerful spell caster when i went to Africa in December last year on a business trip. He is really powerful and he can help you cast spells to bring back love one`s gone lost ,misbehaving,lover looking for some one to love you,Money riches,Winning lotto number, bringing back lost your lover, Bring back lost money and magic money spell for a good job,I`m now happy and living testimony because the man i had wanted to marry left me 2 weeks before our wedding day and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for years ..I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job . So when i meant this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him..At first, I was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 5days time when i returned to Texas, my boyfriend (now my husband,Dr Speck) called me himself and apologized that everything had been settled with his mum and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married and my sister who has been sick of cancer was healed..i didn`t believe it cos the spell caster only asked me for my name and my husbands name and all i wanted him to do he did it for me… We are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid,and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better and we became very rich. In case any one needs the spell caster for some help, Email him on this email address: BESTLOVEDOCTOR@YAHOO.COM ……hope he helps you out. Hurry now and contact him now via email address:BESTLOVEDOCTOR@YAHOO.COM Or you can call him at +2348159645271 .. Thank you very much and i am very happy right now.. Bradley Speck

  23. Jr

    I really need to change some things and priorities, but im not findig the way. Keep sharing your ideas,it can help me! Thank you.

  24. Thanks Autism Daddy – truer words were never said. You posts and blogs are always informative, helpful and, most importantly, funny & real. My only question would be – How do you know when its time to stop trying to keep it together?
    I rarely have doubts about anything you say, but I have a much different situation at my home, and I am concerned that #8 (Try hard not to compare it to what happened yesterday or what may happen down the road) will lead some into false denial. Me? I married a man whose wife has passed away and who was left with 5 children, 4 with ASD's. I asked for this life, and walking out when things got bad was not an option. However, although I love each of them dearly, if I had seen the situation clearly, and opened my eyes as to what could be, and if I had been able to plan for the future, I might have done some things differently. There is a reason we do not see hundreds of adults with ASD's in the community. They are not around. Autism is dangerous and it kills. No, not directly. It kills the children/adults who cannot verbalize their pain or symptoms, it kills when they are not supervised properly and run away into traffic or worse. It kills from the absolute inability to get proper medical care because they won't let a doctor touch them. It also kills caregivers – the ones who are unprepared to deal with a dangerous or even difficult adult; it kills caregivers from stress, high blood pressure, improper nutrition, and depression.
    No one tells you that there will, in every single case, be a change "post-puberty." Puberty for our kids ends around 17 – 19. Its likely there will be a complete turn around, as I did when my ASD daughter (non-verbal, stims, other health concerns) went from being a pleasant but typical ASD kid who just sat around and stared when she wasn't rocking – to being a psychotic, depressed, aggressive and violent adult who needs to be kept inside most of the time and restrained unless she gets her way. Next up is my youngest, at 18, who is just finishing puberty. He's tall and strong, handsome and affectionate, has some words, the ability to make short sentences, can dress and feed himself, but is otherwise non-employable and will need constant care and supervision or he runs away.
    If I had know that these kinds of changes were possible (not even likely, but possible) I would have done some things differently. Yes, I would still have taken them in as my own – but I would have prepared earlier, been ready for what was to come (physically and emotionally). I would have had help in place. I would not have been in shock, considered myself a failure and become severely depressed. To this day, I keep saying "I should have known," "I should have prepared differently," "I should have expected these changes." The teachers, educators, administrators, psychologists and psychiatrists, social workers and therapists – None of them will tell you. They'll say you can't tell, you can't predict, just wait and see. Don't believe it.
    From my perspective, its become fairly easy to tell and to predict, or at the very least, be prepared. Parents should be prepared for the worst, advised of the possibilities, warned about the danger – because when it sneaks up on you, you will not have the necessary safeguards in place.

  25. CC

    spot on – now if I can get the mrs. to read this and apply . . . wishful thinking

  26. Good tips! We've found it challenging to have time to just have normal conversations with each other since having a baby. We'll sit out on the deck and have a glass (or two….ish :))) of wine once the baby is asleep.

  27. Anonymous

    Thank you so much for this!

  28. Anonymous

    This is a Great Post with Great advice! I wish my Son's Wife had of seen this, she was the one to bail out, not him.

  29. Your wonderful blog is always so full of comments I hesitate to post my own paltry words but I just wanted to say that its good to be able to read the life adventures of others and know that there are so many others whos life have changed and continue to.. alright enough words…lol just wanted to say keep on posting and thanks.

  30. Anonymous

    Great Points!

  31. Anonymous

    Awesome and you are so right. Your attitude seems very similar to mine and I think we're going down the right road. I agree with your priorities regarding alone time and intimate time in particular. Now best get myself feeling all ill for work tomorrow 😉

  32. Another fabbie blog AD. Thank you for finding the time to do this. Your blogs always make me smile in one way or another. You can't put a price on that !

  33. My Name is Ms. Tracy Smith, I was married to my husband for 13 years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2009 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave he the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and he nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the lady. Until I met a very good friend of my who was also having a similar problem, who introduced me to a very good love spell caster. But i told her that if it has to do with things that i am not interested, but she said that it has nothing to do with pay first. but the only thing he was ask to do was just to go and buy the items to cast the spell, and that was what she did. And she gave me the spell caster e-mail address and phone number. When i contacted him, i was so surprise when he said that if i have the faith that i will get my husband back in the nest three [3] day, and off which it was really so. but i was so shock that i did not pay any thing to Dr.obadam, but my husband was on his knells begging me and the children for forgiveness. This testimony is just the price i have to pay. This man obadam is good and he is the author of my happiness. His e-mail address obadamtemple

  34. Anonymous

    Dear Sir, You're a wonderful dad and writer. I am blessed that to have married the most wonderful man in the world. My son, does not have autism – because he cannot be tested. He is non-verbal, developmentally approx. 18 months, with epilespy and mobility challenged. He chose to marry us any way. In my opinion, he is a man among the greatest and strongest I have ever met. Your words of wisdom are many that we live by. Collectively, we have five boys, Andy is the youngest. But the one important thing you forgot was to tell each other every day, every chance you get that you love them. You never know when that opportunity will be gone.

  35. Anonymous

    This is a great article. we experience many of the same things you do. I have cleaned poop from the walls. I wish I could get my wife to read things like this and apply them to our lives. She is a great mom but almost too great. She is there for all our kids not just our son with autism but that leaves no time for her and I. I get really sad when we cannot do anything together. I try and tell her and she says this is our life and we have to deal with it. She is right and wrong. Yes we have to deal with it, and we do, but if we do not take care of ourselves some and our relationship then what good are we to any of the kids. Thanks again for the blog. I will try to apply the things you have listed.

  36. Every piece of word you wrote teaches me about many many things. Thank you so much!. I'm so moved and touched. Thank you for creating this wonderful blog for everyone.
    Jihyeon from Korea

  37. Very happy to see your blogs, I really gets motivate to read your blogs and agree with your point of view.
    steve jobs 10 commandments | dissatisfaction at work

  38. Anonymous

    My husband left us. I am now left raising my 8 year old daughter on my own, even when I was married he barely helped out and blamed me for everything. Sometimes it is best to walk away if the other person is toxic and not willing to do their part. Now he sees her every other weekend which means I get 2 weekends to myself which is more than I got when we were married. If one partner is unwilling to put on any effort to help with raising their children, the other parent has no choice but to act as both parents. It is hard raising a child as a single parent but i prefer it to staying in a horrible marriage.

  39. Though these are things we deal with on a day to day basis I would like some direction on dealing with my husband as far as dealing with my son who is Autistic. I feel he could be in denial and is trying to treat him like a Typical child. Could the Autistic Dad address Discipline of an Autistic child. My husband doesn't understand screaming at him which causes him to have a melt down (when there are other options) isn't the best way. He thinks my son should be able to be disciplined by him but doesn't realize he's not discipline but scaring him since he doesn't know what he's screaming at him. Any advice would be nice.

  40. Anonymous

    Thank you for posting! Father of a 19 yo autistic son, and I realized years ago that many of these, particularly the "Us against the world" and the "sense of humor" are probably the most critical things that my wife and I share that have kept us together.

  41. Awesome post! I agree wholeheartedly with everything on there. 🙂

  42. This is exactly what I needed to read! Thank you! Number 8 hit me hard. I need to let go of those thoughts as much as possible. Please keep writing!

    P.S. This one I laughed out loud to because it describes my husband and I so well:
    "We curse like sailors and say to anyone who will listen that we will be THRILLED if Kyles first words are "What is wrong with you motherf–kers??""

  43. Some actually go so far as to believe healthy relationships are typified by greater conflict. Regardless of how family familiar or socially acceptable these fantasies may be, however, they often don’t match reality.marriage

  44. Thank you for this post. I have a child with Apraxia and finally admitted to myself I have been suffering from depression, for some time. It is getting better.
    I think we need more date nights!

  45. SCFrade

    Great blog btw!!!
    My husband and I have several intellectual disabled adults living with us in our home..for 7 years now its been our passion. We both share the care for our clients (my husband is amazing). We do much volunteering for Special Oyympics as well. I love your blog as it shows exactly how my husband and I relate in our marriage, so we must be doing something right!!! 🙂 We have been married for 12 years now and when we rely on each other, though we have difficult days with our autistic clients who are like our own children, my husband and I have grown so close in love and nurturing of one another. There is no time around our house for petty arguments as we are kept busy constantly with each client. My husband and I go on dates,take time for ourselves together and apart and laugh about the oddest things, and though we are constantly unplugging the toilet and patching and cleaning walls, our clients see our happy home and are content in knowing they are safe and loved too!

  46. love it… awesome… I do many of these things… I would add make no apologies for my kids or the way we are as a family… I basically said to my family… We are who we are… and we don't apologize for it…just as you don't apologize for your family or your non disabled kids… LOL… funny as hell… and it works…

  47. My wife pointed out this blog post of yours and suggested that I read it. She said that your viewpoint on marriage is very similar to mine when you are fighting the battle together with autistic children. I am currently an active duty servicemember and last year while deployed to Iraq I launched my own blog to espouse some of the very same principled and suggestions that you have here. From one blogger to another, and for what it's worth, I wanted to share a series of posts that I wrote last summer that relate the "Army Values" to our roles as husbands and fathers. It was directed toward those fathers in the military that have the dual burden of military service AND autism, but I think it apropos for all fathers. I cover each of the topics of Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity and Personal Courage. The nifty acronym creates by the Army for all to remember from these values is LDRSHIP, or "Leadership" – can't we all use a little more of that in our culture of irresponsiblity. At any rate, here is the link if you or any of your readers may find it useful! I look forward to reading more of your material! Thank you for the stance you take for all of us fathers living with autism!

    Mike Barrett

  48. Great advice. We do pretty much all of these except for 2 of them:

    #2 is nearly impossible for us as any qualified sitter we can find usually bails out after the first time so we've pretty much given up trying to find anyone. As for relatives, mine live on the other side of the country and hubbby's live on the other side of the planet! For us, arranging a date night is a nightmare!

    #5 Didn't go the antideppressant route, but I finally found a good blend of herbal supplements and simple yoga that works for me.

  49. Anonymous

    Love these 12 things! They r hilarious, and so true at the time.

  50. Anonymous

    My ex was just in extreme denial . . . His story was nothing is wrong, I lied to the doctors, etc., etc. And to this day, he still is. He won't do anything with our son that makes him confront his differences.


  52. stareeyore

    Agree on every level. I was talking with our new occupational therapist and after disclosing our circumstances, me bipolar, eldest son asd & adhd she asked if 'dad still around?' and seemed surprised that not only was he around but was hands on and had been around for 22 years (although for first 11yrs he only had me to put up with). She said I was lucky and when I challenged 'why' she just said it wasn't the norm in her experience. Why is it deemed almost acceptable for the dad to walk away but it actually makes the papers here if a mum does it. My son attends an autism specific school so we are friendly with a lot of asd families and a sadly unacceptable number are single mum families with asd the prime culprit and comments of others being 'lucky' too frequent. It's not luck, as you said it's teamwork etc and we also find it's instinctively knowing when one of you is having a down day and automatically stepping up to let them have time out x

  53. There's a book in this and I wish my ex had read it!

  54. Anonymous

    I love it, nice and have lessons for this blog, thanks to you Autismdad…as a single mom, raising alone, spent more time, with him so hard raising it,hubby is far away working.
    Mabuhay and More Power!

  55. OMG, LOVE it!!!! Also love what u and ur wife hope his first words are. I laughed so loud!!!!

  56. Anonymous

    You and your wife are such model autism parents. I know your life/marriage/everything probably isn't perfect… but the fact that you think about these things are attempt to live life to the full, along with your son, is incredible.. I take my hat off to you!

  57. Anonymous

    Thank you so much, for opening your life in the way that you have. I have no clue who you are and yet feel as if I know you. You are every mother and father of an ASD kid, that stayed. I relate so well to a lot of the things you write about that it seems to come straight from my own life. Again, THANK YOU!!

  58. Anonymous

    This is a great post, you could teach my ex a few things! Of course he couldn't put down the beer can long enough to "get" it.

  59. Anonymous

    PERFECT!!! I have a pretty fantastic hubby and ticked everyone of the 12 items on your "list" and pretty much preach these to my friends in the same boat…. Hoping they get through it as we are!! He is my best friend and the only person I can rely on and vice versa… Thank you it's good hearing from the male perspective!! I can't imagine living this life path without him by my side…..

  60. Anonymous

    just stumbled upon this today.
    of all the autism blogs I've been reading….and I've read quite a number…yours is the most " practical, face-it, it is what it is,so now do what you gotta do, truthful, refreshingly honest…and witty.
    thank you so much for this down to earth & honest blog!!!!

  61. I love this! Thank you!

  62. Anonymous

    I just finished reading this to my husband. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm happy we have each other to deal with ASD little guy and our other two children, who by the way are the greatest to there little brother.

  63. Anonymous

    Love the 12 ways-but I think it should be 24. Both husband AND wife need to equally participate.

  64. Brillant list, couldn't agree more with it!!

    Thank you so much for sharing!

  65. Anonymous

    All so true….love reading your posts….keep'em comin'! My ASD son is almost 5 now, and date night never comes soon enough for us…..def some great advice in there….thanks:)

  66. rudy

    I can't remember the last tome my wife and I "had a date". We go out separately, but due to my sons special needs, finding a sitter is impossible. :(.

    1. Anonymous

      This is so true for so many of the couples out there…when you have no sitters, you can't get out.

  67. Where can i get that bumper sticker: "My autistic kid will lick your honor student"??!!! WANT!!

  68. Mark

    I left out one thing in the above comment. For a man in my late 40's, "I would not trade anything for the life I have now my wife and twin boys. Joey is a blessing and has taught me so much about life and what really is important."

  69. From a Dad with 3 year old twin boys and one with ASD, I love this. As someone wrote above, this is very well written and to the point.

    I saw the "Donate for Kyle's ABA" above. We feel your pain in that area for sure. For a man in my late 40's, Joey's ABA has really put a burden on some of the things I was looking forward to at this age. It is very expensive. For people who don't know about ABA, it has been a wonderful tool for Joey. He has made great progress since we started ABA. It will not "cure" his Autism, but it really helps Joey and us deal with it.

    Keep up the good work.

  70. Anonymous

    Well written i too are lucky and have a husband like you we have two children on the spectrum.When i read this it made me cry,because like you say you are so wrapped up by autism you forget about your husband or wife.Happy New Year to you all.

  71. Anonymous

    So true are marriage has lasted and still going strong. Date night once a month for us. Get away weekend every 3 months.

  72. Amazing! thankyou!
    I am lucky I have a husband much like you, hands on and with a sense of humour.. but I still found useful advice in there! xx thanks 🙂
    It is things like this, that make me take a deep breath and say 'It is normal – for the abnormal' – as in… the stuff we are all going through, is pretty normal… for us with non-neuro typical kids!

  73. Anonymous

    As a Woman – I have a word of advise for WOMEN. I was lucky enough to have a Mom who shared this with me. ALWAYS, keep your spouse first. Without your spouse, you would have "no children". It takes two. As a MAN, always consider your WIFE first, then your children. The "couple / pair" who made it all possible deserve "equal" respect. Respect your spouse, as much as yourself and remember "they are your other half" literally. You need to talk to them first. Never let anyone (even the kids) come between that. You committed first to your spouse…which made the kids possible. We have a tendency of getting our "Priorities" mixed up and this causes all sorts of unnecessary stresses in our lives. Keep your spouse first!

  74. Anonymous

    Oh, and yes, Autism parents are standing stronger than most couples. Marriage isn't something you "bail" on. People aren't putting the effort in and it's a "sham or scam" sometimes. Luckily, our community takes it "serious" and we have a much harder road. It just makes us stronger, more loving people … pretty cool!

  75. Anonymous

    As with any marriage, sharing of the responsibility of the home is important. No one likes to be treated as the maid, chef and laundry person. Especially not you 🙂

    The element of "surprise" – Surprise honey I called and will be bringing home chinese for everyone. Surprise honey, I booked an overnight away and a Grandma sleep over for the kids. Surprise honey, I called the babysitter and we're going out to celebrate tonight. Remember SURPRISE! and use it AT LEASE once a month. SURPRISE, while you were out I did all the laundry and brought you a chocolate bar.

    The other way of expressing yourself…a letter or card of appreciation of your spouse. So important since men are sometimes short of words. Sometimes letters or cards express it better but write down sometime you realized you loved that person or really respected that person or really admired what they did.

    Lastly, the DAILY commitment to LOVE. Just holding your spouses hands, looking into their eyes and telling them that you take that commitment serious. That your glad you did it. How much you love them and love making love to them! It's the Glue – the body kisses that keep a marriage together. Never underestimate TOUCH. If the wife isn't interested, give her a massage (without being over the top) give her soft kisses, just squeeze her hand, turn on some music and dance with her : ) Kiss her forehead and her hand. Let her know you love her even more for standing beside you through thick and thin!

  76. Anonymous

    Love true! Now if I could get the hubby to listen…

  77. Mac

    Like I said on my page… I love this post!! I know you said before you wished you could write like some of these other bloggers but I think you are perfect the way you are and this is yet another example of your awesomeness. Thank you for sharing.

  78. Anonymous

    poe21 says…..

    so many of us asd parents forget about their spouse's cause they are wrapped with their asd kids. alot of what u said on this blog are so true. i am so glad that there is a parent that is willing to tell the truth in what they believe will make a marriage work, instead of just sweeping it under the rug and pretend that everything is ok when its not. thank u for putting things in view for so many of us. im glad i found ure page by accident. it has proven that im not alone on so many things and know who to turn when i have questions about my child.


    1. I want to use this medium to thank Dr shiva for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he dont love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady's post of how Dr Shiva help help to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr shiva on ( a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be greatful to you Dr Shiva and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at and he will also save your marriage.

  79. Anonymous

    Thank you for taking the time to share all of this… I see quite a few things I need to be doing and haven't been..I am so glad I found your page 🙂

    1. I want to use this medium to thank Dr shiva for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he dont love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady's post of how Dr Shiva help help to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr shiva on ( a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be greatful to you Dr Shiva and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at and he will also save your marriage.