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(originally written & published on December 31, 2011)
“But Kyle was so good the last time you were here”
“But he’s so good in restaurants”
This is what we always here when we decline an invite to a family member or non-asd friend’s house or to a party that they are throwing at a restaurant / catering hall.
Now we aren’t normally ones to keep Kyle in and shelter him from the world. We like to bring him almost everywhere. I wrote all about this in a recent blog post
that you can read here.
Sometimes we bring him to places and we know he will have a good time like his normal weekend routine (special needs music, swim, gymnastics).
Sometimes we bring him to places and we are pretty sure that he won’t have a good time like a NY Yankee game. Sometimes we do this to test his threshold and sometimes we do this because we are being selfish and we really want to go to a Yankee game…or… we want to feel like typical parents for one night bringing our son to the ball game.
Sometimes we bring him to places and it’s a roll of the dice. We’re not sure if he’ll love it or hate it or be indifferent… like going to the movies or going out to eat or going to see
The Lion King on Broadway.
But when we decline an invitation to an event, a Baptism party at a restaurant or birthday party at a family members house it’s usually because my wife & I are exhausted and just have a gut feeling (probably from prior experience) that Kyle won’t have a good time and the wife and I will be running around playing goalie trying to keep him out of the boiler room or the kitchen or the ladies bathroom.
But whenever we politely decline we always hear “Why? But he was so good the last time you were here.” Or my favorite “but he’s so good in restaurants”
Somehow what they are not seeing, somehow are blind to is that we’ve brought a HUGE bag of toys/books, Ipad & a bag of snacks and that the wife and I are playing “goalie” the whole meal. We’ve got the routine down pat. All silverware, plates and condiments are removed from Kyle’s immediate seating area within seconds of us sitting down.
Yeah he was good, but there’s cheerios and popcorn all over the floor of a Chinese restaurant and I’m completely stressed out and taking home my entire meal in a doggie bag….
When we do go to a restaurant or somebody’s house for dinner the wife and I actually discuss our game plan in the car on the drive over.
ME “Ok you eat first and I’ll take the first shift with Kyle…”
WIFE “Well she’s making ham and he liked ham that one time. Maybe he’ll sit and eat for a little while….
ME (in a British accent) “Not bloody likely…”
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So on occasion we will decline and will usually get a guilt trip from one of our mother’s about it. “Everyone wants to see him. Just stay for a little while…”
But sometimes we will say back well “instead of having ___’s birthday cake at your house where Kyle runs around like a maniac, how about we host it at our house, bring everything & everybody here.”
Like most ASD kids he’s alot more comfortable and safe in his own environment. But rarely do people take us up on that. It just blows their minds…
Same thing goes for restaurants. Kyle has a few restaurants where he has always had good experiences…and some where he’s always had bad experiences. So when the family is planning a dinner out for so & so’s birthday (not like a formal party, but a big family dinner) and they say they’re having it at one of the “bad experience” restaurants we will politely say “can we make it at ___ restaurant instead and can we make it at 3pm instead of 4 cuz it’ll be better for Kyle.” But again they rarely change it… “but I told everyone that it’ll be at ___” So what? Call them back
Ok, so we get it. People, especially older people (like our parents) are set in their ways and you can’t change the plans on them within 72 hours of the event 🙂 so we then weigh our options. Sometimes we roll the dice and go… and other times we decline.
Tomorrow night my uncle is having a New Years Eve party at his house. It’s mostly in the basement which is very bright, very crowded, and very loud. The wife and Kyle declined. I said I would show up for an hour or two just to see my side of the family.
And all night I will hear… “Where’s Kyle? Why didn’t you bring him? He was so good the last time you were here….” Oh the guilt! NOT!!
There you go… a nice long rambling blog post about nothing for all my new Autism Daddy fans. Hope this doesn’t scare you all away… 🙂
THE END
PS I just want to add that we have a very supportive family on both sides… They are totally around and get Kyle…. And they truly mean well… They really want to see him and have us be included in all these events/ parties… They just maybe sometimes cant understand when we sometimes (maybe 20% of the time) say no…
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I Love your posts because they fit our lifestyle to a "T". Our son is now 18 and My Hubby and I decided long ago that it was not worth the stress to go to most every place ....We were constantly on the run to keep Travis from getting into everything and therefore None of us could enjoy ourselves. The best one I had heard yet was...When Travis was younger my Dad insisted I bring him to the family reunion which I knew would be a disaster He says I'll help with him Yeah Right he was off talking it up and I was running all over the place wore out! Needless to say that never happened again~! I also like how some people who have never met Travis will say OH I know about Autism I teach at a school & then when they meet him they are like Wow!!! So I just overlook them! I have not met many people who have seen the severity of my boy's Autism. Thanks for posting this it let's me know were not totally alone!
We do the same thing..we have it down pat and the reminders in the car right before we get to our destination. Rings true right from the beginning.
We also decline most family events. The crowds can be over stimulating to our son<3 We have done small birthday parties for him (only acceptable because he loves birthday cake). My husband and I love your blog it makes us feel like we are not alone in this other families are going through it also.
IlovHappy New Year to you and your familie your blog your family is loikes ours down to a t when its events like this.Like ive said before we have two on the spectrum our eldest is 18 in feb and im gearing myself up on family asking what were goin g to do for his 18 dreading it.
Being new here, I so 'get it' and its good to read the blogs/comments, I don't feel so alone!!
My family don't even invite us anymore and when any do visit it's no longer then 30 mins,when we use to get invites I ask if they could change a time was told the world can't and won't rotate around his needs I didn't ask the world I ask family.
I love this because its the same for us also and trying to get people like family and friends to understand is like banging your head against the wall and wish family would educate themselves more on this so you dont have to explain yourself 500 different times to them I love my mom but she lives in a one bedroom 2nd floor apartment very small and for my son it excuse the language HELL and cant really bring alot of things for him to do because there is not enough room and she has no yard and he is also 10yrs old so i bring snacks drinks and let him pick 3 or his toys and we can only stay maybe and hour at the most before he starts to complain and same with restaurants we go to the Chinese restaurants with buffet because than we can just go get the food no waiting and eat than leave or anyplace that has a buffet is best for him I always plan thing ahead of time so we know the game plan! Tonya R
That is our situation also, It always shocks me how inflexible people can be. My other 2 children ages 10 and 8, who also have some special needs, are better at helping care for our daughter with autism than most of the adults in our life. No one seems to understand the stress of keeping her safe and happy in public.
THAT'S what we're missing...the GAME PLAN discussion. Although it usually involves deciding who takes which child. And actually I'll just not go places unless my husband is off too because we also have a baby. Ever try wrangling a 9 month old and a 5 year old having a meltdown out of anywhere? It ain't pretty!
I loved this post. Kudos to all parents who take their ASD child out for "typical" family activities. I have been with my son and his wife (along with their 5 year old son who is ASD and their 2 1/2 year old daughter). For the most part J does extremely well in restaurants (family friendly ones) and at the movies. You parents have to have some kind of extra sense because you always seem to know when the meltdown is coming and rush to dampen it if at all possible. Kudos to all of you. My son, his wife, my grandson (J) and granddaughter are my heroes.