(originally written & published on December 24, 2011)
I always hear how the divorce rate in Autism Households is supposed to me astronomical (which really isn’t true, click here). And then I read from many stories on my Autism Daddy Facebook Page about how their husbands (and yes a few wives) couldn’t handle the stress of living with autism and bailed out.
And whenever I hear that the first thing I think of is what cowards those people who bailed out are…especially the men. The MANLY thing to do is to stay. The masculine thing to do is to fight for your marriage and your family.
So I sat down and thought about what keeps my marriage strong and sane and thought, “let me write a blog post about it”.
Before I get into the list, you should know where I’m coming from. I’ve got an 8 year old with severe non-verbal autism. He is our only child.
Without further ado, in no particular order, here are my 12 Ways To Keep Your Marriage Strong and sane When Autism Hits….
1) Have an “us against the world mentality”
You are your spouse are both in this TOGETHER. The rest of your life is probably gonna be a roller coaster of ups and downs…but guess what? A roller coaster is ALOT more fun when you’re sitting next to your best friend. And when you come up against battles along the way with doctors, school districts, family members, lawyers, etc it’s so much easier to have a teammate, a partner by your side. Also, you don’t always have to agree with each other on every course of action when it comes to your asd kid, but in public it helps to have a strong united front.
2) Have date nights out of the house as often as humanly possible….aka it’s ok to be selfish
I can’t stress this enough to all parents but especially to asd parents. Before you had kids you were a fun vivacious couple right? Why does that need to change? Ok when you are down in the trenches cleaning poop off the wall you don’t feel vivacious, but the wife and I try to get out together without our kid at least twice a month…sometimes it’s just dinner & a movie, other times we will meet friends out for drinks or go see a concert… Whatever works for you… I wrote in another blog post how important being selfish is. You can read that here.
And sometimes if you can’t afford a sitter you need to be ultra selfish and guilt your family into baby sitting by any means necessary. There’s some months where we considered getting out for a date night an emergency situation and we tell the family accordingly. I wrote a bit about that in a previous blog post here…
3) Make room for SEX
Yes the autism is going to affect your love life BIG TIME. But there’s GOTTA be room for it once in while right? It may not always be the most romantic kind. We often have alot of wheeling and dealing and negotiating going on but it’s worth it. And if you can swing it for us there’s sometimes nothing better than every couple of months using a sick day from work when you’re not actually sick…and your kid is in school…if you know what I mean… 🙂
4) Get a better sense of humor… Quickly…
Life’s gonna really suck sometimes. Your kid is gonna do the CRAZIEST things!!! But if you can just twist it on its head sometimes and look at things and seem how bizareely comical they are it can really help. I mean my kid is licking the window!! That’s freaking bizarre and funny!
“Does it taste good?” The wife and I have a warped un-PC sense of humor. We curse like sailors and say to anyone who will listen that we will be THRILLED if Kyles first words are “What is wrong with you motherf–kers??” I really feel that our warped sense of humor helps us get thru some of the dark times quicker than most…
5) Feel better by any means necessary…aka… Antidepressants are not a dirty word…
Really, no explanation necessary…. 2 years ago I finally bit the bullet and realized that I was kinda depressed and asked for help. And the help came in a litte pill called…
Wellbutrin. For me, it did exactly what I needed it to do. It gave me more energy, more patience, and let me roll with the punches better. I am still me, but a calmer, less intense, slightly more organized me. My wife went on it about 6 months later and it has helped us both IMMENSELY. I wrote a separate blog post all about this that goes into alot more details about my experiences on Wellbutrin. You can read that one HERE 🙂
6) Have solo activities that recharge your batteries…
If you can’t get out as a couple as much as you’d like with the help of sitters, then at least make sure that you each have individual NON-AUTISM activities that you can do alone or with friends that will recharge your batteries. I like to run and belong to a running group and once or twice a year I’ll sneak away with some friends for an overnight running adventure (marathon or relay) in another city. I’m also on my company bowling team. My wife has several different groups of mommy friends and they are often going out for dinner, drinks, dancing, etc. Encourage your spouse and give her the opportunity to take a break away from autism…and a break away from you as much as possible.
7) Readjust your priorities.
Many men feel like being the provider Mon-Fri is JOB #1 and then spending the weekend doing manly weekend work (yard work, repairs, etc) is JOB #2 and are therefore not present for alot of their kids lives/ activities. Maybe an adjustment is in order. Maybe skipping the yard work one Saturday and going with the family to special needs gymnastics is more important and would be more helpful to your spouse.For moms who are type a personalities vacuuming and ironing every day isn’t as important as spending more time with your family. Also for you moms that need to have everything a certain way… You may be pushing your spouse away.. So what if your hubby puts your kid in mismatched socks or in wrinkled jeans? At least he’s involved and helping getting the kid dressed…Just two small examples of readjusting your priorities but there are tons of others…
8). Live in the moment. Try not to look too far behind or too far ahead.
Easier said than done but oh so important. Try to live each day as it happens. Try hard not to compare it to what happened yesterday or what may happen down the road. ASD kids make progress, ASD kids regress. What your kid did yesterday he might not do today and vice versa. Also looking too far ahead can get you in a funk. Will your kid be self sufficient as an adult? Will he need constant care? Looking too far ahead can destroy you and your marriage. Yes, you need to plan for it financially and mentally, but dwelling on it is deadly…
9) Get rid of the “what ifs”, the “blame game”, and the “grass is always greener” syndrome as soon as possible…
I still have problems with this one… Not the blame game so much. There’s no one to blame for my kid’s autism….especially not my spouse… But I often get bogged down in the what if’s (what if I had a typical kid? would he love watching baseball with me?) and I still have a problem with the grass is always greener syndrome which I wrote about here….
10) Yell, scream, have fights with your spouse
Get it all out right then and there when you are mad about something. It is much healthier than letting it stew and then giving them the silent treatment.
11) Get your asd kid and yourselves as much sleep as possible.
Your kid not getting enough sleep and being up all night is tortuous for,all involved. This may be controversial but I would say to do whatever you can, as early as you can to get your kid on a normal sleep schedule and when it’s age appropriate explore the supplement melatonin (a complete life saver for us that I wrote about here) and if necessary stronger sleep aids. Sleep is important for your kids and it’s important for your sanity and for your marriage…
12) Get off the Internet and sit on the couch and watch TV with your spouse…
You successfully got your kid to sleep. Now get off the Internet. Stop researching that latest GFCF recipe. Stop googling all things autism. Stop trolling Facebook. Stop reading Autism Daddy. Turn off the computer and veg out on the couch and watch tv with your spouse…. Or better yet get, go,to bed… And get some sleep…or even better yet have some sex… 🙂
THE END
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Thank you for taking the time to share all of this... I see quite a few things I need to be doing and haven't been..I am so glad I found your page :)
I want to use this medium to thank Dr shiva for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he dont love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady's post of how Dr Shiva help help to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr shiva on (reunitingexspell2@gmail.com) a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be greatful to you Dr Shiva and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at reunitingexspell@yahoo.com and he will also save your marriage.
poe21 says.....
so many of us asd parents forget about their spouse's cause they are wrapped with their asd kids. alot of what u said on this blog are so true. i am so glad that there is a parent that is willing to tell the truth in what they believe will make a marriage work, instead of just sweeping it under the rug and pretend that everything is ok when its not. thank u for putting things in view for so many of us. im glad i found ure page by accident. it has proven that im not alone on so many things and know who to turn when i have questions about my child.
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I want to use this medium to thank Dr shiva for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he dont love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady's post of how Dr Shiva help help to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr shiva on (reunitingexspell2@gmail.com) a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be greatful to you Dr Shiva and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at reunitingexspell@yahoo.com and he will also save your marriage.
Like I said on my page... I love this post!! I know you said before you wished you could write like some of these other bloggers but I think you are perfect the way you are and this is yet another example of your awesomeness. Thank you for sharing.
Love this..so true! Now if I could get the hubby to listen...
As with any marriage, sharing of the responsibility of the home is important. No one likes to be treated as the maid, chef and laundry person. Especially not you :)
The element of "surprise" - Surprise honey I called and will be bringing home chinese for everyone. Surprise honey, I booked an overnight away and a Grandma sleep over for the kids. Surprise honey, I called the babysitter and we're going out to celebrate tonight. Remember SURPRISE! and use it AT LEASE once a month. SURPRISE, while you were out I did all the laundry and brought you a chocolate bar.
The other way of expressing yourself...a letter or card of appreciation of your spouse. So important since men are sometimes short of words. Sometimes letters or cards express it better but write down sometime you realized you loved that person or really respected that person or really admired what they did.
Lastly, the DAILY commitment to LOVE. Just holding your spouses hands, looking into their eyes and telling them that you take that commitment serious. That your glad you did it. How much you love them and love making love to them! It's the Glue - the body kisses that keep a marriage together. Never underestimate TOUCH. If the wife isn't interested, give her a massage (without being over the top) give her soft kisses, just squeeze her hand, turn on some music and dance with her : ) Kiss her forehead and her hand. Let her know you love her even more for standing beside you through thick and thin!
Oh, and yes, Autism parents are standing stronger than most couples. Marriage isn't something you "bail" on. People aren't putting the effort in and it's a "sham or scam" sometimes. Luckily, our community takes it "serious" and we have a much harder road. It just makes us stronger, more loving people ... pretty cool!
As a Woman - I have a word of advise for WOMEN. I was lucky enough to have a Mom who shared this with me. ALWAYS, keep your spouse first. Without your spouse, you would have "no children". It takes two. As a MAN, always consider your WIFE first, then your children. The "couple / pair" who made it all possible deserve "equal" respect. Respect your spouse, as much as yourself and remember "they are your other half" literally. You need to talk to them first. Never let anyone (even the kids) come between that. You committed first to your spouse...which made the kids possible. We have a tendency of getting our "Priorities" mixed up and this causes all sorts of unnecessary stresses in our lives. Keep your spouse first!
Amazing! thankyou!
I am lucky I have a husband much like you, hands on and with a sense of humour.. but I still found useful advice in there! xx thanks :)
It is things like this, that make me take a deep breath and say 'It is normal - for the abnormal' - as in... the stuff we are all going through, is pretty normal... for us with non-neuro typical kids!
So true are marriage has lasted and still going strong. Date night once a month for us. Get away weekend every 3 months.
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