Wednesday, September 30, 2015

My Stress & Anxiety: How My Kid Having Autism & Epilepsy Have ReversedThings...












(originally written & published on September 30, 2015)

I'm having trouble lately separating important stress & anxiety with nonsense stress & anxiety

I think 9 years of living on Autism Avenue & 3 years of living on Seizure Street have warped my sense of what's worthy of me getting stressed about and what's not.

My filter seems to be way off...

When we have really stressful events like a 2 and a half day stay in the hospital for an EEG for the king a few weeks back of course I get stressed, but somehow I power thru it.  However, in the days following the EEG a text from wifey saying "he had no seizures & no naps at school, but did a lot of hitting" will send me into a tizzy.

WTF?!

And then I'll think to myself:
We just got thru the war of almost 3 days in the hospital!  He had no seizure activity!  That is great news!  So he did a lot of hitting!  So what?!  That's par for the course with him!  What am I getting so stressed or upset about?!

But it' too late.  I'm already in a stress tizzy and most of the times there's no turning back.

But at least both of those stress examples above had to do with the king and his issues.

Sometimes I can't figure out why I'm stressed or anxious...

I'll get home and think
"why am i stressed right now?  king is chillaxing.  wifey said he had a good day.  dinner is on the table.  all is right with the world.  what is making me feel like this?"

Sometimes I can figure it out.  Other times I'm clueless.







And when I can figure it out it's usually something stupid or nonsensical that is stressing me out.

Like yesterday we switched phone/tv/Internet providers to save about $30 a month.  And I knew that I had to call the old provider before midnight to cancel.  And I knew in that phone call they'd be trying to convince me not to switch and trying to resell me on their service.  And I was driving home from work yesterday getting stressed about making that phone call and thinking
"I gotta get that done before midnight because otherwise they will charge me for another day!

WTF?!

The king had a 3 and a half minute seizure yesterday morning and yet I was almost more stressed about cancelling the cable!  And what would've happened if I didn't get it done by midnight?  I'd be charged for another day which equals about 5-6 bucks!  Why the F am I stressing about that?  Why am I ruining my ride home over something so stupid!

Other stupid things that give me stress/anxiety:







-- Misplacing my work security ID to get into the building -- WTF!?

-- Traffic (yesterday I was literally yelling and banging on the wheel because if I made it in after 10am it would cost me an extra $2 to park) WTF!?

Maybe this is all a coping mechanism.  I get thru the really tough stuff with less stress / anxiety and then blow up and stress out over little things...

but then that makes me seem like a psychopath on both fronts...

"why is he so calm when his son is having so many seizures?  

"why is getting crazy over $2?"


and I'd rather not blow up and stress out over anything...

Anyway I don't have any answers and this post is all over the place.  All I know is that the idea to write this popped in my head last night when I was riducously stressing over cancelling the phone/tv/internet provider...and I got that done by 9:45pm last night...

...Right now it's 6:45pm on a Wednesday and our home security system isn't working which probably means a phone call to the new provider and that is currently what is stressing me out (I think)...meanwhile the king is sleeping off a seizure induced nap.

WTF?!

Where are my priorities of what to be stressed about?!

Is there anybody else out there that's going thru what I'm going thru?

That's it.  That's all I got.  Over and out!

THE END
-------------------------- -------------------------- If you're gonna shop Amazon anyway, can I ask that you enter Amazon by using the search box above or by going to http://www.amazon.com/?tag=a050ef-20  This way I can make a little money to help pay for my son's after school & weekend therapies.  This blogging thing has been awesome & life changing for me... but I must admit that it's taking up a lot more time than I ever thought... so if I can make a few bucks it'll make it easier for me to justify....Love you all! Thanks!!

14 comments:

  1. I do this too -- in my case, I've recognized that sometimes the stressing out over the little stuff is a way of focusing all my stress on the little thing so that there's no room in my brain for the big questions. It doesn't make the stress (say, about calling the cable company) go away, but it sometimes helps to know what's making me anxious, even if I can't do anything about it.

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    1. Wow! I can relate! My son is 12. He has severe autism,severe developmental delays, epilepsy and cyclic vomiting syndrome. People always tell me they don't know how I stay so calm...yet, I know how easily I lose it over little things. I can be calm in a 8 hour vomiting episode and crazy over something that doesn't matter. I think that I keep myself sand by letting off steam over little things. If I ever lose it over the big stuff, it will be an avalanche!

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  2. I tried commenting but it failed. Try #2….I've been where you are and done that. I think we feel a responsibility to our kids to be models of calmness when all hell is breaking loose, even though it's the last emotion we are likely to be feeling when we see our kids have seizures, or behave extremely, etc. Everyday pains in the ass then get the lion's share of our angst. A lot of these things involve money, but money may not always be at the root of it. These are reactions for which we have to try and learn to forgive ourselves, or at least to try and not search for an explanation. I am learning to do this the farther down the road I travel. Sometimes sadness and resignation linger, and that's OK too, even though it feels like crap.

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  3. Me too! It's something to do with the things you should have some element of control over seem more stressful - because there's something YOU have to do to avoid it / minimise it / make the best of it. Whereas you can't really control seizures, and EEG tests have to be done - these things are almost a 'rest' from thinking about all the other stuff you 'should' do. My strange way of thinking anyway :-)

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  4. I am the same way. It's about control. You should be able to control the small things, and when you can't, it bugs you. Those are the routine things, and when the routine runs as it should, it's calming. The big things are outside your control, and therefore easier to manage.

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  5. It's so normal. I think we spend all of our energy on such sensitive personal heart wrenching things, like our crazy kids and when stupid BS happens we have zero tolerance. I can totally relate. This week especially

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  6. I think it's PTSD from autism and seizures. That is the only explanation that makes me feel better. I have pondered these things, then I take my Xanax and feel better.....sort of.

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  7. It's totally PTSD! I get stressed about going to the grocery store. Making general phone calls, going to adult parties. All things I used to love! Yet, I can get on the phone with an agency or a school and totally kick ass. What's really sad is when you drive up to your own house and get anxious about going in, because you don't know what you're about to face.

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  8. I get this. Its part of the flight-or-fight response. When the big stuff happens, you fight your way through it, but when all is calm you become anxious waiting for the next big thing. I agree it might be related to control too {{hugs}}

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  9. ALL.THE.TIME. :( Sorry Autism Daddy. I do hope that you find balance. That we all do.

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  10. Sounds a little like PTSD, happens a lot to me. A lot. I will hear something regarding my son and process it and be cool but it's only later that the stress hits usually over something different. Dr Robert Sapolsky did some interesting studies on stress and special needs parenting and, um baboons too. But the science is very interesting! :D

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  11. We have a 5 year-old autistic son and what you described is totally my husband! Thank you for writing this down. Now I understand my husband better.

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  12. I can very much relate. I have nothing in life anymore that I look forward to doing. My wife and I split up, moved from CA to Florida and are now 3 hours apart. I was primary caregiver, after being layed off from ky job since my son was age 2, while my wife worked. he is now 8 and a half. I used to really look forward to going on hikes in the mountains and surfing when I had free time back in CA. Here in Florida there are no Mountains, or waves for that matter. We need to frequently do things we greatly enjoy, that release our stress. Soooooo important. I have nothing anymore and I have been in a horrible, stressed mindset for a very long time. Any friends I had, will not talk to me anymore, because I have lost my positive outlook on life. Now I sit isolated with my son with severe autism who makes me feel like I am alone. Running away is a very real thought in my head, but I know that my son would be lost without me, being we have been together so much, over the past 6 and a half years. This is a monster and I give so much respect to everyone out there battling this. Especially the single parents.

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  13. Stress and anxiety both the terms are inter-related with each other and therefore we should trying to avoid these facts from our personality. Due to heavy workload and depression ultimately we are facing stress and anxiety and we should trying to skip these habits from our life. So that our kids are able to learn some basic tips from us and never suffering from stress and anxiety.
    Stress Management

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