Friday, October 28, 2011

Who Should Clean The Dirty Dishes??




(originally written & published on October 28, 2011)


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Earlier today on my Autism Daddy Facebook Page I posted this picture of a sink load of dirty dishes...




And I wrote this caption underneath the pic

"Our dishwasher has been broken for a few months. This one is not Kyle's fault. :-) But we haven't lined up a Sat or Sun afternoon sitter so we can go dishwasher shopping without Kyle. So by Thur or Fri of each week this is what our sink looks like. :-)"

There were tons of the usual funny comments by you all. Great stuff as always.  Then later on in the thread I wrote this...

"It's a vicious cycle. If the wife doesn't cook I'm happy cuz we are eating frozen pizza or nuggets on paper plates and there's no dishes to do, but she's not happy cuz we are eating unhealthy processes food. When she cooks she's happy and I'm miserable cuz she somehow cooks with EVERY pan and dish in the house...  We kinda have a loose "one cooks, the other cleans" policy in our house... but the policy has been blown without the dishwasher. Sometimes it's like we are playing a game of chicken to see who's gonna get fed up with the pile first and start digging in and washing. I'll try to squeeze a good 15 minutes in before I leave for work today but that won't even make a dent..."

Later down the thread an autism mom named Erin wrote this...

"And plz don't take this the wrong way but you work 40 hrs week & kyle goes to school, right? I would make my wife clean those dishes! Believe me I know it is a full time job just to clean up after the king & it takes a superwomen to deal w/ what she deals with but the cleanliness will help her get a clear head & make her feel better all around."

And further down the thread Erin added...

" but please know my house gets trashed all the time and I don't mean to ruffle any feathers. I just know my husband would tell me (in a nice & loving way) to clean up and wheres my pot pie?! J/J LOL! No, really it does help me keep my mind clear in this haze of worry & stress I have about my son to keep things picked up. It takes EVERYTHING I have to pick up b4 my husband gets home from work and I do have a dishwasher. Also, it doesn't always get done. I may have overstepped by posting what I did. I'm sorry if I offended anyone."

Which brings me to today's controversial topic of the day...   :-)

What do you all the married moms think of this?  Because you are the mom are the dirty dishes automatically your job?    And if you are a stay at home mom does that make the dishes your responsibly by default?

I'm sure it's different for each family dynamic.  So here's my take on all this.



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Having a sink full of dirty dishes for me & my wife has nothing to do with having a son with autism.  We were messy before Kyle & now we are even messier with Kyle in our lives.

And yes, my wife is a stay at home mom, but the idea that "the cleanliness will help her get a clear head & make her feel better all around" is not the case with her.  While Kyle is in school she has about 5 hours to herself (between dropping him off & picking him up) and what makes her get a clear head & feel better all around changes all the time...but it's never doing the dishes :-).  Right now it's going to the gym and planning her 25th High School Reunion.  Those are the two things right now that make her feel better all around and I totally support that.  A happy mommy is a GREAT thing for me & Kyle.

And for the husbands that work 40 hours a week.... c'mon unless your job entails alot of manual labor, or your a cop, firefigter, teacher :-) let's all admit that work aint that hard compared to being home rasising our special kids.   When I complain about my job or that I'm tired my wife always says "You're sitting in an office for 8 hours, having adult conversations, going to meetings, going out to lunch with other adults.   Do you wanna trade with me?  I'll go back to work."   

And she's right.  I would not want to trade with her.  I love my son, but I would not want to trade with her.  I sometimes hate my job, but I would not want to trade with her. 

So if she chooses the gym over the dishes...I say who the F cares??  Not me... until they start spilling over or until the ants arrive...  :-)


 THE END


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If you're gonna shop Amazon anyway, can I ask that you enter Amazon by using the search box above or by going to http://www.amazon.com/?tag=a050ef-20?  This way I can make a little money to help pay for my son's after school & weekend therapies.  This blogging thing has been awesome & life changing for me... but I must admit that it's taking up a lot more time than I ever thought... so if I can make a few bucks it'll make it easier for me to justify....Love you all! Thanks!!


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57 comments:

  1. it is her job. as a wife n mother of three with a husband sho works his ass off I always make sure dishes done, meals cokked, house cleaned, laundry washed, kids taken care of. I also work part time out of the home cleaning others homes. she has 5 hrs of free time, gym is great, but planning fun events n leasure time come after responsibilty. if my husband works ot then so do I. I weed wack, mow, install insulation, plumbing, painting, wte he cant get to I hNdle. on top of my reg chores. im sorry but wth does she do with a that time? if I let my dishes go like that judt cause my dishwasher broke (not possible anyway I dont own one) my husband would not buy me another one till I stopped being lazy bout it. (sorry harsh but truth) n I would hope my kids see how to b responsibile adults, PS im husband/kid free forweekend, first time ever n ill make sure my house is in order before I go enjoy anyghing

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    1. must be great to be so freakin perfect. Let me guess your hard working hubby also deserves sex on demand no matter how you feel. Sorry to be harsh but the truth is your a bitter holier than thou b****h

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    2. Let me guess - you don't have a special needs child, right? Then don't go there. Because you have NO IDEA. NONE.

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    3. you stupid bloody bitch ... go back to being a stepford wife and stay away from parents with real problems and a real life

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    4. I completely agree with you, my husband goes out and works everyday, nights and evenings on shifts. I stay home make sure he comes home to cooked meals, a tidy house, clean clothes, washed dishes (I don't have a dishwasher) etc etc. I don't see how seeing these as your responsibility makes you a bitch. It makes you a HOUSEWIFE. I do all my cleaning on a morning when I get my son up before I even think about what I can do for myself that day, because my husband sure doesn't get to plan parties or go the gym when he's setting off for work at 6am. And yes, I do have a disabled child.

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    5. You must be a real joy to live with. :-P

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  2. As a stay at home mum I tend to do most of the housework but my OH usually does the dishes from the evening meal. Though I will do them if I have time especially as we have a tiny kitchen and cant cope with the mess. I know it can be a struggle sometime to keep on top of it but have found it much easier to do it straight away (much harder to get dried food off) and we dont have a dishwasherf.

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  3. I say what ever works for your family-an imaculate house or the more lived in look- hey-dont worry what other families do- My mom told me never do the dishes after dinner- spend time with your family instead- the dishes will get done in the morning. And this is what ive been doing since my kids were born.

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  4. I also a stay at home mom of two children one with Autism. I don't have a dishwasher and I home-school both my kids, do all the house work, including all the dishes, cook every night and don't see the point in all the dirty dishes in the sink. I think if you stay at home then you should do the house work.that's just my opinion...

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  5. Totally disagree with the first comment, as a mum and a wife i do a days work in the house as well as walk the dog as its my time out and excercise,,, but NO WAY will i wait hand and foot on my husband, yes i cook and clean, wash and iron all the things i choose to do,, the day someone TELLS ME this IS MY JOB,,,, thats when i rebel!!! He eats off plates and drinks out of cups, so why the heck should i run after him??? I dont think so, my son who is autistic will never ever be independant, i as his full time carer will always look after him and care for him, hes my child. My husband however is not my child, he gets more time out than ill ever see in my life time,, although I love him with every bone in my body, he can damn well muck in too,, ive done it before when the other kids come and stay, and treat the home like a hotel,,, pile it up so far and the lot goes in the bin!!! And it wernt paper plates,, lol,,, i work damn hard and what ever lets each person have time out then fluff to the dishes,, although mine dont pile up like that as it would do my head in!!! ha ha ha

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  6. It is extremely exhausting, both mentally and physically, being the primary caretaker of a child on the more extreme end of the spectrum. I bet that when your child is home from school, she is pretty much working her ass off, probably gets little sleep because of the sleep difficulties of your son, and needs the break. So if the house gets messy, or the dishes go unwashed, I don't think it's a big deal. Parents of special needs kids NEED the respite. It allows them to have the high levels of patience, energy, and compassion that is an absolute requirement!!!

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    1. Exactly! My son is on the extreme end of the spectrum. I barely have time to do anything even when he's in school.

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  7. I don't really think it is anybodies job. A stay at home mom works 40 hrs. plus, it never ends. It's not always a choice to be a stay at home mom. In my situation he made more money than I would have. I tried the work thing and paid almost all my check to the sitter. We had a mad house going on all the time. No body was happy, so it made more since for me to stay home. Everybody needs a break once in awhile. It takes a family to keep the house running smooth. It only causes hard feelings when a person says it's your job to do this or that. By the way I don't have a dish washer. Kids are all grown, my kitchen is small, but I'm going to make room for that dishwasher. LOL I guess you could say I have a dishwasher. But it doesn't do a very good job on the dishes. It's called my husband.

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  8. I am the mom of a severely autistic child. I picked up and dropped off my son at school. During the time he was at school, I cleaned the house, ran errands, worked out, and also ran a home based business. All work got done and leisure time still fit in. My husband works hard at a stressful office job and doesn't need to see chaos at home as he deals with it at the office. My son and I had outdoor playtime after school. After supper we all relaxed and supper dishes waited for me the next day. Worked for our family and everyone was happy.

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  9. This doesnt happen all the time guys... This pic is extreme even for us... But yeah there's some days where housework is her focus during the school day...some days where she has a recipe she wants to try for dinner... and some days where she wants to go to the gym and out with some autism mommy friends...

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  10. Wow strong feelings on this subject! Autism Daddy whatever you and your wife choose to do with your dishes is totally up to you :-) and I don't mind saying I have seen my sink look like that more than once. Yes I stay at home while hubby goes to work but no offence to anyone the reason I am at home is my son not my husband. My son needs 24hr care my husband however is a grown man who is more than capable of looking after himself. We do alot for each other but we also look after ourselves as this makes us better parents.

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  11. Wow strong feelings on this subject! Autism Daddy whatever you and your wife choose to do with your dishes is totally up to you :-) and I don't mind saying I have seen my sink look like that more than once. Yes I stay at home while hubby goes to work but no offence to anyone the reason I am at home is my son not my husband. My son needs 24hr care my husband however is a grown man who is more than capable of looking after himself. We do alot for each other but we also look after ourselves as this makes us better parents.

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  12. Sorry to go against the tide, but have you ever thought of washing the dish off as soon as your done with it and putting in a dish drainer?

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  13. I am a single mom. And what gives me a clear head is: time to myself.

    Sometimes that means the dishes are done, sometimes it means a pedicure.

    However, what I know is this: I can always pay someone to clean my house.

    I can't pay someone to take care of my children (one of them ASD) and get a pedicure for me. =P

    Tell your wife she is doing an awesome job.

    <3

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  14. I'm a stay at home mom and I have to cook and clean. I also do all the house work. I have no social life except church which I love. I do find housework can relieve stress. Your wife has plenty of time to bust suds while your son is at work. If she really hates it like some people do, then share the job.

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  15. Personally, I think you need to stop trying to get a sitter so you can go dishwasher shopping together. You have a computer AND the internet. You need to go to Consumer Reports, find out what their top 3 or 5 dishwashers are, find out if you can get them near you at Sears, Home Depot, Lowes, etc. and the go from there. I have NEVER shopped for any appliance with my husband, even before sn kids.

    I do my research first. And then I do my price comparisons as not everyone carries the same model. Can I give up the "china" setting because the dishwasher that is rate the same or better does not have it and is $100 cheaper, you bet.

    But if she stays home and she does most of the dishes, then she is the one that needs to actually go out and look at it. My husband does not get involved in the process at all until it is time to pay. Seriously. Even when he does do the dishes to help out when he can, I am the one who has to know how to use it and how to run it and it has to be something he won't hear me complain about until it quits completely and it is time for a new one.

    With 5 hours at home every day, Monday - Friday, you could have had a new dishwasher within the first week.

    Do all your homework online then go to the store at most twice. Once for her to look and make a firm decision if she has not, and once for you to pay and setup delivery. So you don't have to go together because when she is there, if she makes a firm decision on the model she wants, they will write it up for her in a quote and then you take the quote back to pay, etc. Then, you get a chance to see it too before you buy it. Yes, it takes two trips to the store, but since you can't seem to get there together, it works.

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  16. Hey folks we did ALL the dishes together...most on Friday night, but then the wife made an awesome yummy dinner (ravaoli marinara & meatloaf) and we re-dirtied tons of dishes...and then we washed again tonight together after Kyle went to sleep and we listened to Foo Fighters radio on Pandora... Does that make you all happy to know that my sink is clean? lol. I'll take a pic of the clean sink and send it to y'all...

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    1. You guys rock, I am so tickled that you made this reply. Such humans you are, to tackle the problem together, as a team!!! Love it!!! Thanks for this whole post, and your humorous replies to comments as well. :)

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  17. Autism Daddy And the reason that we don't buy online is because I want the Consumer Reports Best Buy and she wants what will look best in our kitchen...so we are going to go to a store to look at some models, "kick the tires" as they say... And then we might come home, do some more research and buy online...
    29 minutes ago · Like
    Autism Daddy Here's the pic of the clean sink so all you neat freaks can get that disgusting image of my uninmaginable sink full of festering dishes out of your minds. Lol. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=300751499952657&set=a.212548498772958.63835.163509233676885&type=1&ref=nf

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  18. I'm a SAHM of three, the oldest two are on the spectrum (only one is more profound) and my youngest is an infant. I homeschool them too. The dishes and counters are a huge source of anxiety, if they are not tidy I am a mess! But I have other areas that I tend to overlook under certain circumstances and don't begrudge anyone theirs either. My standard of clean is well below that of other people, so we're all different, so what? I say outside of level two squalor or above, live and let live.

    My husband works 50 hours a week in a very physically demanding job so we've agreed the housework is my thing, but that doesn't mean I don't delegate! Sometimes he jumps right in and sometimes I ask, but he'll help and I'll do some of the yard work we've decided is his domain too. When we get to it.

    Glad you got it all done, the dishes are a thankless job aren't they? You only clean them for the express purpose of making them filthy again.

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  19. Autism Daddy I've been following you since the beginning. From the early pictures you posted that could have come directly from my house. My youngest son is non verbal and on the severe end of the spectrum, the updates you write I could have written myself, I can 110% relate, we are the same age and my son is also 8. The only difference is my son has a seizure disorder and we have an issue with his weight, on the other end, he's a BIG eater and overweight.
    I have older children though, one on the mild end of the spectrum, and typical kids. I work part time as a caretaker for the elderly. I have one day off but that is typically when I schedule one of the kids visit to the doctor/dentist/neurologist, etc., so in reality it isn't a "true" day off.
    I noticed you talk about the expenses Kyle incurs, from the dentist to the co pays to the cookies he eats...but then I see you talk about how you and the wife go out and spend money without complaining.
    If money is a real issue, a supportive wife would find a job, somehow, some way. There are plenty of mothers hours jobs, or babysitting or caretaking like I do the little I bring in helps tremendously.
    The dishes I understand that's not an everyday thing and I know how worn out I feel some days with 4 kids, my severe non verbal and still not potty trained som, AND my job but if she has 5 free hours each day, it really wouldn't kill her to take 1/2 hour a day to do them.
    I know the stress you are going through right down to the school issue, I've been there!! But you got it right in another blog when you said you and the wife are selfish- Chris above made an excellent point about how the dishwasher should have been handled. I can't imagine waiting until my partner and I could go shopping alone together, it would never happen!
    I know you are entitled to respite use it then and recharge for Kyle. You find sitters to go out to concerts so you two need to get your priorities straight.
    I am where you are, our out of pocket dental bill was over $8,000. From when my son was 4, we're still paying. Now I read you took 2 Days off bc of kyles school issues? Why? Can you afford that? And is this really all about Kyle or is it all about you???

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    1. This comment really pissed me off when I first read it and I wrote a separate blog post as a rebuttal reply the very next day on 11/19/11

      You can read that at

      http://autism-daddy.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-need-thicker-skin-all-about-money.html

      But please read the comments on that one too cuz me and this anonymous poster made up in the comments. :-)

      Delete
  20. simple: buy a dishwasher online that will be delivered and installed, problem 1 fixed. Then create a system where one packs it and the other empties it. Then you guys can move on and not worry about dirty dishes

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  21. Oh my Effin god. Dishes r the woman's job. My ass. My husband and I take turns just like we take turns cleaning up the havoc and sometimes bigger mess then the dishes that my son makes while I'm doing the dishes. Actually how my son is acting determines who does the dishes. My husband works nights so he leaves right after supper. If my son is in one of his extremely destructive moods then the dishes wait until daddy gets home in the morning. Our theory is why both cleaning up one little mess if our son is going to make a colossal mess while the dishes r being done. Needless to say my husband would rather do a few dishes then repair a hole in the wall or refold and put away every piece of clothing in our dressers or whatever he decided to get into at the moment. Last time I chanced doing the dishes when my son had extra energy he pulled down the shelves in my closet and broke quite a few things on the shelve plus busted a holle clean through the wall into our bathroom. I'm assuming where the shelf hit the wall with such force

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  22. I just came across your blog and this post. I hope by now you have a new dishwasher. We went for about a year without a dishwasher and our sink looked like that often. I'm a SAHM, but I expect my husband to pull his own weight around the house. I love my children and I feel very blessed that I am able to stay home (honestly, if I had a job most of the money would go to daycare), but motherhood is very demanding job. I'm "on call" 24/7 and the kids can make messes way faster than I can clean them up. In a way I'm fortunate that my husband never, ever complains that the house is a mess, but that is because he is somehow blind to the mess and it bothers me more than it bothers him. I think every couple should come p with an arrangement that works for them.

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  23. I'm a single mum to 2 boys. My youngest has aspergers, he's 9. I work full time in a very demanding job as a manager supporting adults with learning disabilities. This includes shift work and sleep ins. I have no dishwasher or partner to do my washing up or a cleaner, cook or gardener. I have to do it all myself. I would not change my life for the world tho. I liver my kids, my job and am a very contended mummy, until seanie starts kicking off and hitting me that is!!!
    The washing up, cleaning etc will still be there tomorrow. So what if the sink has dishes in it for a few days as long as your happy ;)

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  24. I know I'm late to the party :P But I just found this blog (and it's great BTW!)
    I am the parent who stays at home, so usually I do the dishes. But my husband's job has crazy hours. He doesn't always get home at a decent time, and sometimes he still does work after he does get home. So I do them on a regular basis because it bugs me, and I make it a routine. If I don't follow my routine I get really stressed (I have Asperger's, so does my husband. Our son has either HFA or Asperger's. He is in the middle of evalutions. He's almost 3). Anyway, so I do it otherwise it literally couldn't get done and it would bug me because I really get stressed when my favorite fork/cup/bowl/whatever is dirty.

    However, NEVER has my husband EVER told me to do ANYTHING. I am an adult. I am the co-leader of this family. This recent resurge in the old "submissive" wife idea disgusts me (and my husband, for the record). I HAVE a dad, OK? I didn't marry him. I married my partner. My friend. I don't tell him, "Go out there and mow that lawn!" Even though our lawn needs it lol He's a grown up. He can figure it out. And he doesn't tell me I better do *blank*. Because I'm the other adult here.

    Sometimes something HAS to be done, and we might ask if the other one CAN do whatever that thing is- but we ALWAYS approach it with respect and as equals.

    I do not know the person who started the drama (Erin was it?) so I have no idea how she lives her life, but I have to seriously question the mindset of someone who refers to her husband as the "King" o.O I have used many words to refer to my husband (Hubby, J, Honey, Hot hubby LOL, best friend) but "King" has never been one of them.

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  25. I dont even have kids! Just 3 dogs and a husband who probably makes as many dishes as 2 kids. My sink looks like that at least 2 times a month (mostly pots and pans)! I say... HECK WITH IT! enjoy cleaning them once in a while together like you did and get paper plates next time! I have a stack of paper plates and bowls. They can go in our recyclables so im not killing the world so much with Styrofoam and.... I use them to start the back yard fire pit a lot of the time!

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  26. As a SAHM to 3 kids (1 ASD kiddo), I'd get online, buy the D/W and have it installed by a plumber and TADA! hubby now has a place to put the dishes. :-)

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  27. Well the dishes are mine... and when my husband was alive they still were mine... I have 3 kids, 2 with autism... and I have OCD... really I do... so even if my husband was alive and he did the dishes I would redo the dishes, because for me, unless I do it, i don't think it's done right... I work from home. I clean my house when my kids are asleep...around 1-2am, I always get offers of help, but I turn them down... what for if I am only going to redo it... I believe it's a shared thing or who breaks the least of dishes... If you work and she stays home and it is work, then alternate days, or weeks... hell, both you eat, right??? it's not so black and white, so set in stone... my mom went back to college, she has 2 masters degrees (she says it all the time... LOL) now my dad does the dishes and sweeps and mops... def not something he would of done when I was a kid... times change... families are busy... roles are shared... hell, eat off of paper plates every day... In my house, come the weekend, it's paper plates, plastic utensils, cups, trays, no dishes for me... woo hoo!

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  28. AD I read this awhile back. And it's frustrating when people (men or women) say it is ONLY the womans/mom/wife job. F&ck that shit! My husband works and he works HARD he works in a factory mixing sh!t all night. But I have went without sleep, I have taken our son to the doc, I sit through EVERY therapy session, I cook dinner (usually 2 different meanls and sure I don't cook everynight sometimes its processed food) but I do that. I go without adult interraction, not because I choose to, but because of the therapy here and there and all the other sh!t it's hard to work. So, yes I ask my husband to do things. Like today, he vaccuumed and dusted the living room before The Monsters evaluation and yes he had to go to work tonight, but he also plenty of times for his hobbies (Blogging is mine). Any man that is willing to give their wife a break from another headache is a good man/husband/dad. Just like this morning, I went back to bed while my husband watched our son because Ihave been sick and like I said he even went to work tonight. Men can watch the kids and do housework.

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  29. Doesn't bother me to wash up the dishes...hubby works away weeks at a time so I have to take care of it all...when hes home we share the responsibilities. And we go by a rule in our home..if it bugs ya, clean it yourself! Works for us

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  30. I have older kids....so they have chores, which includes trash, dishes and bathrooms. I guess I can't join in on this craziness. But, I will say I have lupus, homeschool 3 kids, one on the spectrum and I'm crazy. My house is unorganized, not filthy. But, I don't make my house a priority, my Family is the priority. I personally would not want to change places with my husband. I would die in a cubicle all day. I do my best here at the house, he eats good and he can find clean clothes to go to work the next morning. But, I am Not going to spend my day scrubbing away when there are too many other important things to do with my family. My Husband has never complained and if he ever did I would tell him to walk a mile in my shoes baby!

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  31. I raised a special needs son. He is bi-polar and developmentally delayed. I was a stay at home mom. I did not mind doing everything for my son... nor for my husband at the time... but it came to the point were my ex husband would not even threw away his trash and the trash can was right there... But then again my ex would complain if the house wasn't clean... Lets see... I think its a 50/50 job. If I gave you a clean house and made you 3 meals and you got to have adult conversation and you can name something other than the characters on all the children's programming on PBS. then yes you can pick up after yourself. or share or hire a teenager to help do chores. I finally did this. I needed down time and the time between 8 and 2 were mine. It is dependent on the situation. I would find a mothers helper. A high school girl would is interested in working with our special needs children.

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  32. Im a mother of 6 kids(2) autistic.Im a stay at home mom,my hubby wrks 11am till 2am..so i run this ship..but ik how u feel my ship is a ship..as long as i get it done..i got this..even when pple tend to judge..i keep my ship moving:) feel free to check us out on fb! trishantim :)

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  33. The pic of the sink full of dirty dishes really caught my eye because it does remind me a lot of my house. Not all the time but some days I just want to let go, sit and surf the net or knit, or just do nothing for a change. I am a stay at home mom of 2 children. One NT, 12 y/o and one sever AST and profound hearing loss. My husband is in the military and us gone for about 8 or nine weeks at a time out of a 4 month period, so even though I don't have a "job", that time that the kids are at school is my "down time". The down time that the working people of the world take at night....well I take it during the day sometimes. My husband is no cleaning man, but he is a wonderful help with my son. He gets him ready for bed at night and usually is the one to make sure he gets to sleep. But I only have that help for a short period of time. Anyway, I could go on and on, but I have to say it is so nice to know that there are other autism households so similar to ours.

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  34. I look at it in this way: I actually work from home- but I am in charge of my household because my husband works a fulltime job plus he does freelance at night sometimes. When I take my son to school and have those 5 hours- they are 5 hours of FREETIME, which my husband does not get ever. When he is home, he only has a few hours a day to be with my son. It is very very rare that my husband gets to sit on his ass and do nothing- which is what I am fortunate to be able to choose to do with my free time while EJ is at school. I do actually spend most of my freetime working my paid job, but Im doingit in my pajamas and watching the news and reading your blog... So- I hate being a terribly bad feminist... I think she should do 65% of those dishes and you do the other 35% :) :)

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  35. the way you see things is very similar to the way my husband and i see them. We both have a "who cares" approach. Yes id love my house to be clean, but in the scheme of things, does it really matter?? My husband works nights and i work days, so the little time we do have is sure as hell not going to be spent on cleaning all the time! Dont get me wrong our house isnt trashed, but we dont sweat the small stuff. Our spare time is spent trying to relax or by keeping Master J amused. Our sink has looked like yours on many occasion lol, but we get to it when we can. I love reading your stories, it always lightens my day :)

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  36. Look I am an at home mom, I have a 9yr old son whos autistic, and a 2yr old daughter. I have had dishes in my sink like that. but not for days and not because im waiting for someone else to wash them. But being an at home mom is so much more then cleaning. its ur life really and cleaning is just apart of that. I will say though that it only takes about 30min. to wash the dishes before i go to the gym for two hrs. and my dishwasher is broken too. you do what pleases you and dont let anybody change that. but me, it really does make me feel better when i come home to a somewhat clean house. i already have to deal with my sons sloppiness when he comes home. The last thing i need to worry about is my own. LOL! To each his own :)

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  37. Some of u people r just lazzy, who needs 5hrs of down time? you think just because you have a child with special needs you get to be soft on urself or feel sorry for urself. I know what your thinking, I do have an autistic son who is almost blind. so i know what its like. but i still need to keep my house clean. its not spotless by any means and there are times im running and taking care of things that i dont get to do the dishes. but to take 5hrs of down time everyday is just crazy and lazzy. Once a week i will take a day and do nothing. but if i did it every day my house would never be halfway clean.

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  38. I'm a working single mother of a very high functioning special needs kid, nothing nearly as extreme as what you're dealing with. First and foremost, I want to say, I've been there. But if someone i loved and trusted posted a photo of my kitchen mess, i would be humiliated and furious with them. What a blow to her dignity! Like for real, u should take this down if u love your wife. Second, get your dishwasher fixed. And understand that her gym time and projects are vital to her emotional health. Sometimes those few hours a day in a place other than home are what maintains a mothers sanity if she is unable to work. Also, try to find a teen, like a thirteen or fourteen yr old, in the neighborhood, a niece, nephew, cousin, whatever. Pay them to come in bi-weekly to clean, the hard stuff, scouring and such. They cant get jobs yet but teens love having cash! You can pay far less than u would a proffessional maid service. Ur wife will surely appreciate the Gesture and help and will most likely keep the home prettier during the stretches, as it will feel less overwhelming

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  39. Whew! Who would have thought a post on dishes would generate such heated responses! I really appreciate your blog and your willingness to "let it all hang out" for your readers. I love your insights into your family life. I don't think I'd want other people poking their noses into my personal life, I am too thin skinned and my sink is full of dishes too! BTW, I always say any specific chore should not be delegated to me just because I have ovaries. LOL.

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  40. Dishes suck! With no dishwasher I can tell you that there is a strain on my marriage when things are not clean and usually they aren't. My husband has OCD I think because he must have things a certain way, but the reality is that it will probably stay messy until one of us gives in and cleans. Which today is me because he started at a CRAP labor job and I feel bad for him...but after the initial start of this job I will probably continue to have him clean and help clean, mainly because I do not think I meet his standards. Lol. And you're right it has nothing to do with having a son with autism because before mine came along we still did not like doing the dishes. But I do cook some awesome food, even though my little one usually wont eat anything but junk food at least he has the options. Then I clean as I go.

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  41. I'm a single mum with a 14, 6 and 3 year old, my 3 yr old has severe autism, he attends school 3 hrs per day, which leaves me about 2 1/2 hrs free between school runs, there is no way in the world i would give up any of that time for housework!!! i dislike a messy house, i tidy as i go in mornings and clean in the evenings sometime till really late but those 2 1/2 hours are reserved for going to the gym, a hot cup of tea and rebuilding some form of sanity to get through whatever the rest of day/night throws at me (not just for my benefit but for my children too). Whatever works for one family might not for another. I have a dishwasher and rarely use it - saving the money for a takeaway on those really bad days is way more effective for me.

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  42. I am going to way in on this....but it wont apply to the cooking dishes. When I visited my granny in the summer - before dishwashers - we each had our own plate - cup - dish and silverware. When you used them you rinsed them out and put them in the dish drain and got them again when you needed them. This worked great. When she cooked we washed the dishes she mixed up the dish in and then she left the pans to soak and washed them out the next morning. I notice myself - that I tend to wash dishes as I use them and put them in the dish washer. So if everyone did like I do and washed what they used it would be fine. Think about it...if you get cereal every morning and you are using that one bowl all week cause you are cleaning it. At the end of the week you don't have 5 bowls in the sink. So that works best to clean as you go. We do use paper plates and I use cupcake liners so that muffins and cupcakes are easy clean up. Outside that I just don't know. I liked having my name on my cup at GRANNYS for the summer and I liked that I was the only one using those items too...lol.

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  43. Autism Daddy, your blog rocks. It's the best around. I know a thing or two about dirty dishes, and dirty laundry, and just general messiness. My husband and I always say that a spotless house and a perfectly manicured yard are a sure sign that the people living there must not have anything else to do! Our house is always very "lived in", and it suits us just fine. He is a high school teacher, as well as their drama director and department chair, and he works a lot of hours. I'm homeschooling our 9-year-old son with Aspergers and dyslexia. I do the cooking, because if love to cook, but the rest of the housework is a shared responsibility around here, with no definite division of labor. If something needs done, one of us will eventually get to it. It all works out, and nobody cares one way or the other. In our free time that we have when not spending our time worrying about excessive housework, we do theatre, art, play guitar, go to happy hours when we can, and enjoy our time as a family to the fullest. There are much more important things to care about in life than keeping a spotless house. :)

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  44. My husband works weekend nights and my son is in school all day. I clean what I can, but as soon as he gets home, he "alexizes" the house. He is one messy kid. I've actually had one of his mhmr coordinators call cps on us and tell them our house was filfthy. Our house is not that bad, it does need to be painted. Every time we send him to school, there is always a chance they will call and tell us to pick him up. I barely have time to do laundry, dishes, and other chores. The mhmr coordinator had no idea what it was like to take care of a severly autistic child. Of course they found no evidence of neglect and closed the case.

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  45. I'm a single mother with a six year old with autism. My dishes pile up all the time. Between IEP meetings and 5 therapy's a week.who has time to do everything? At one time I tried the super mom thing... yeah not for me. I keep things picked up and sanitary. Nothing wrong with that at all. ..... dont get me wrong my home is in no way gross but it may have a few dishes and a pile of toys laying around.

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  46. I have a 7 year old son with autism and my wife suffers from a brain injury(seizures,memory loss,and tends to be very child like sometimes).I work for a rug company repairing rugs ass well as laying them out in people's homes.There is a lot of heavy labor and I do the jobs of 3 full time employees in 5-6 hours a day.I have to be home by 3:30 when my son gets home to get him off the bus and start cooking diner.My wife does 90% of the cleaning, but when my son is on brake from school not much gets done.

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  47. Well as we all have heard are like assholes everyone's got one. I agree with autism autism daddy 100% parents of a child that is severely disabled so as the king and my son have shared responsibilities in and out of the home. I for one take care of most of household chores with the exception of my fiance who is the most amazing man that works 60 hours a week then comes home and takes trash out and does his fix it thing lol. He pitches in here and there without my asking because he sees and knows how much I deal with in a days time with my 4 year old cancer survivor, non verbal child with severely classic autism with genetic issues as well. I also have a daughter that is 2 . Neither of these children are legally his. .. they are mine from my last marriage but never tell him they aren't his cause he claims them as his own and has since day one. Autism can make or break a relationship and he knew the situation when he stepped in to it and is by far in my own opinion the most amazing man I have ever met. Might I add that he works 6 days a week? Anyways back to the purpose of my comment I understand that every house runs differently and that's a given but to the lady that thinks she is doing any good by judging the situation and putting autism mommy rockstar down? No, of course not because at the end of the day this isn't your house isnt yours to run. These parents deal with day to day life the best they can and I will be the first to tell you my house is NEVER clean. There are always some dishes in the sink, poptart crumbs strewn throughout the house (which is like how popcorn is to the king but its poptart to my son) and there is always laundry to do. ALWAYS! And I am a stay at home mom. My world revolves around my kids which means therapies,doctors,was school now kerping jay entertained and cleaning kids, the house,preparing meals,giving meds on time,taking meds on time lol and most important of all loving my children and making them happy which of course is the most important. Also squeezing in time for my fiance. All I'm saying is I always agree with what autism dad is saying. He looks at both sides of things before spouting off and looking at all perspectives. Not once have I disagreed with him. Greatest blog writer of all time and best autism dad. People liven up please! You have to have a sense of humor about these things or you will drove your selves crazy. Rock on autism dad.

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  48. We decided some time ago that playing with out son and enjoying our lives was more important than cleaning every little spot. It seems to work out, but only because we both have about the same tolerance for clutter.

    If one of us hated clutter, then that person would be constantly upset. Or that person could do the cleaning.

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