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(originally written & published on February 4, 2012)
Since I started my Autism Daddy Facebook Page back in April 2011 and this blog in September 2011 it feels like not a day goes by where somebody doesn’t post something or make a comment about how some stranger made a snide remark under their breath about their parenting skills or made some direct rude comment to the parents or even directly to the kids.
And I must admit that I read these and of course it makes me sad, but it also makes me feel that somehow this is the one part of our autism experience where the grass is greener on our side.
Somehow I can honestly say that we almost NEVER come across people being rude or murmuring comments under their breath… and I honestly don’t know why.
As I’ve written many times, we take Mr. Kyle everywhere. We try to bring him into all sorts of situations from restaurants, to movies, to Yankee baseball games. Once in a while he surprises us and is a complete angel. Most times he will hold on for as long as he can but let it be known that he’s not thrilled with the situation. And sometimes he will have an all out meltdown and we need to leave the situation immediately.
But I’ve almost NEVER had people say anything or whisper under their breath. Sometimes they stare. And that can be a bit irritating. But 9 years back I would have started too. When we have the service dog with us they definitely stare… and sometimes ask questions which is understandable. Since we’ve had our autism service dog (almost 2 years!) I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen another service dog out in the world, for a blind person or an asd person. So yes they are kinda rare. So when you see a dog attached to a flapping kid in your local supermarket it’s kinda surprising and people stare and kids ask questions and that can be annoying…
But again it’s not people being mean or rude or nasty which is what I often read happens to many of you.
So it’s got me thinking why this is??
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Why are people not just out and out mean or rude when they see Kyle being loud, or melting down, or playing with his saliva, or kicking the back of their chair at the movie theater?
Is it because he’s so darn cute and handsome? The wife feels like that goes a long way in life… 🙂
Is it because we live in a big metropolitan area and folks are more exposed to people with disabilities?
Is it because it’s kinda obvious from that Kyle has autism within seconds of seeing/ meeting him? Maybe it’s harder for the kids who are more typical? Maybe when they have a meltdown it seems more shocking and out of place to the outside world. And they think it’s a spoiled kid?
Maybe it’s just because he is only 8 years old and people will make mean/ rude comments when he’s 14 years old and still licking the pole in the supermarket?
Or maybe people are being mean/ rude/ staring more than we even realize but we are so wrapped up in our own world that we don’t even notice that people are being a–holes?
What normally seems to happen to us when we are out in public with Mr. Kyle is people will stare for a second or two and then most seem to get it and look away cuz they don’t want to be caught staring like a schmuck, or they give us a knowing smile/ smirk/ nod as if to say “I get it. My (brother/friend/cousin) has a kid just like that.” Or they give us a quick pity look.
Kids will stare sometimes…sometimes alot… and my wife will snap them out of it by saying directly to them “Hi how are you?!” and they get all shy and scurry away. Or sometimes they will ask direct questions “Why is he making those sounds?” and we will explain. And we’ve found that very often kids are staring more out of concern (“why is that kid crying”) than out of “that kid is weird”.
But all in all we rarely if EVER run into people who are just mean or rude or a–holes. It seems to us that for the most part people are inherently nice & polite & patient with us and sometimes go out of their way to make us feel welcome…And sometimes they are just indifferent & non-plussed. Sometimes I think because we live in a big metro area that people are so busy and in their own world that they barely even notice us… which is fine by me and is sorta the biggest compliment of all! 🙂
Here’s a perfect example of people being out of their way to be nice. We were at a restaurant for breakfast a few weeks ago and Kyle was melting down pretty badly. So bad that the wife took him out to the car so I could finish my breakfast in peace. And then I was gonna go out and let her come back in to finish eating. Well the waitress came over and went out of her way to say that we weren’t bothering anybody and that we didn’t need to take our son out. I thanked her big time but explained that it was better for him if he left, but I appreciated her saying that.
How did we get so lucky? Where are you guys hiding all these mean people? Actually don’t tell me cuz you guys can keep them.
🙂
THE END
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I am petrified of the mean people but have yet to meet them. I'm still battling with my husband to take our boy out more. Even if it means a little meltdown He needs to get out.
I have read about these meanies but found people to go out of their way to help.
Teri
I do think having a severely disabled child is "easier" in public. (being adorable and seriously disabled is icing on the cake!) We have had the same experience as you, most people are VERY nice and helpful to us, holding doors for our stroller or even letting us check out first if it is obvious he's getting ready to lose his shit! I know people stare (sometimes I can't blame them we are alot to see) but I'm usually too busy focusing on Johnny so I don't notice. ;)
I agree. My daughter is on the high functioning side and I think people assume that she is just spoiled or I don't discipline her enough rather than thinking she has ASD. When she was an infant she had horrible colic and cried 12-14 hours out of every day. My first time out with her alone to Target a woman actually walked up and told me I should go home that I was disturbing everyone!
I also agree. My son is high functioning. He had a meltdown in Wal-Mart once and an old man walked over to me and told me that it was too bad that I didn't discipline my child. There are lots of mean people out there.
I have a very mean 'Mother in Law' that likes to make ignorant comments about my daughter's autism, and my parenting abilities. Please... Take her away... You can have her.
I'm very happy to hear you havent encountered too many mean comments. I've heard a few remarks made by strangers about my daughter, but we brush them off. If we are lucky, we run into the people that make those remarks with our shopping trolley!
Keep up the great work autism daddy!
Have you gotten her a book on autism, possibly as a gift? It sounds silly, but if it's short enough, she might have the patience to read it, but it sounds like the "for Dummies" one might stretch her patience.
A little understanding goes a looong way.
one time when judah was flipping out in an elmers at about two. there was a guy staring and making obvious rude comments to his breakfast partner. I walked up to his table carrying my son. and said "my son has autism,whats your excuse asshole? take a picture it lasts longer" and then proceded to take Judah to walk around out side while mu husband and brother got our food to go. Since then Ive learned to keep my own cool better and just ignore people. which is getting harder at Judahs current stage at age six and a half where he LOVES to yell the word "penis" in public as loud and.oftem as he can.
I try really hard to live in a bubble when we go out. In my small world, there's not a lot of indifference. They're either nice and go out of their way to be kind, or they don't understand why I can't control my kid & give me dirty looks every time they pass us in the grocery store. Your good luck is probably a combination of everything you mentioned.:)
Cassie
We have had almost the exact same experiences that you have had. Many of my friends have had name calling and or unsolicited parenting advice.
We have yet to encounter verbal ignorance. Staring, yes. But, I feel the same as you, I would have stared too.many years ago.
My Jace is 8 yes. Old also. And, he can get quite loud when he is happy. I think it surprises people, so they look.
I hope we never encounter the ignorance that others have. I am afraid of what my response may be.
Kelly
We've had mostly great experiences out in public with strangers and those that know us are amazingly gracious and giving. Where I find the meanness is usually when I'm visiting ASD communities online and people polarize over some treatment/cause issue. Those of you who are putting yourselves out there in blogs and on Facebook are pretty courageous because you never know when you're going to set off one of these debates. I've seen some pretty ugly ones. Thanks for putting yourself out there for those of us who don't. It's so good to know we're not alone!
Kat
My daughter is about to be 12, and we rarely have issues with mean people either. Most people comment about how beautiful she is, and try to be helpful or kind. She is severe, so it is obvious and we do get lots of questions, but it is just people wanting to understand. However, the few times we have encountered mean people it is awful! And most of the negative comes from totally unexpected sources, acquaintances and family, which makes it worse! But the kind people by far outnumber the mean people.
I can relate. My son is 4 yrs old, he looks like a "typical" child. But when he make his noises, which can get really loud. People do stare and give me bad looks. But they keep it moving. I usually get asked why he is crying or making noise? They usually try to talk to him and tell him that big boys don't cry. I just smile and keep going. I did have a bad experiance while travling. I was checking in at the airport and this ladies told me that i need to teach my son how to keep quiet cause he was being annonying. I was like he has autism, which i think she didn't know what it was. I explained to her that its a way for him to calm down. In long island, NY where i live i haven't meet a rude person.
I really don't know how I would react in that situation. I would like to think that I would be civil and kind...
I would have a real hard time being nice specially if they were being a dick...I sometimes see the way people look at him when he is jumping or going in circles..and in my head I am saying. Go ahead say something..I am waiting for it..my son is usually really good in stores and stuff so I don't hear people say much but I don't think I could keep my cool if they did
We get the jerks more often, because my son is so called "high functioning" so he is verbal and really doesn't do alot of stimming. But he has stripped at Target and knocked an entire aisle of merchandise all because he wanted a particular $5.00 toy that they didn't have in stock. Before he was diagnosed at the age of 4, my husbands aunt gave me a book for Christmas, "Nanny 911" because maybe I could learn a few things. This sucked more because it was from a family member and not a stranger.
usually in public my husband will tell them to eff off, I usually just stare them down because I don't want my son to have to hear me explain his disabilty. It's not like he doesn't know he has it, but he is so smart and can manipulate situations more if he thinks it is working.
Everyone of our ASD kids are completely unique in their ASD, but I am happy that you havn't noticed it or have kinder people because it adds a little more heartbreak to the situation.