I Need A Lesson In Typical Parent Small Talk…

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(originally written & published on December 5, 2012)

I was at a business lunch yesterday with a coworker and a couple of outside clients. These are two very nice gentlemen who don’t really know me that well. They know virtually nothing about my private life. I haven’t seen them in a few years. And at these types of lunches we rarely talk about work….even though they are trying to solicit business from us. The conversation is about sports, news, the TV industry at large (I work in TV) , etc, etc.

But invariably at some point the conversation comes around to more personal stuff.

“If I remember you have a son, right? Any other kids since last time?…. How old’s your son?…. Oh, he must be getting excited for the holidays….. Has he made out his list yet?…. What does he want?…Does he still believe in Santa”

All pleasant small talk kinda stuff.

But I freeze up.

As y’all know, my son has severe non-verbal autism. He doesn’t get the holidays. He can’t make out a list. He can’t tell us what he wants. And I don’t feel like telling them what my son really wants is to play with & eat beads all day and laugh at himself in the mirror. “What does my 9 year old son want for Christmas? More beads & a portable, unbreakable mirror.”

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I’m not sure if it’s obvious to the person asking, but in my mind, I freeze up. I don’t know how to fake it.

I don’t know how to have “typical parent” small talk. I don’t know how to muddle my way through it.

What I end up saying sounds like I’m in the witness protection program…

“He’s 9 years old…Nope, no other kids, just the one…. Yeah, he’s getting excited for Christmas… Well, he hasn’t really made out a list yet…or told us what he wants…but he’s got some time…Santa? I don’t know… How about those NY Jets? What a disaster, right?”

I’ll just try & change the topic.

Now, I’m not trying to hide that my son has autism. I’m not ashamed about that at all. But even though I have this page & blog, I don’t like to or want to live & breathe autism 24/7. That’s not all that I’m about and I try not to let “The Big A” consume my life.

So, in this situation, I just want to enjoy my lunch and not get sucked into talking about autism for a big chunk of the meal. Without a doubt they will have some connection to autism and want to talk about that and ask questions… And that would be totally fine. i would be totally fine with that in certain situations… But these are not people that I want to drag down into the autism trenches with me on a Tuesday afternoon over Mexican food. The fact that my son has severe autism is on a need to know basis… and I feel that they didn’t need to know.

But I got to get better about faking it.

Anybody have any advice? I need a lesson in how to have typical parent small talk.

Is there a “Learning Annex” course on that?

🙂

THE END

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Frank Campagna

I’m a 48 year old neurotypical dad with a 14 year old son with severe, non-verbal autism & epilepsy. I created this blog to rant about autism & epilepsy while celebrating my son who I affectionately call “the king” :-).

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View Comments

Samantha says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:07 pm

I love this. My daughters are high functioning yet I often feel this way when talking to NT parents. Our reality is so foreign to outsiders. We tend to smile and nod ;)
Karen vanO says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:09 pm

I always throw questions back at them. Ask them about their kids etc etcPeople LOVE to talk about themselves and the more air time you give them the more they like YOU. Isnt that a riot!

I will drop the big "A" bomb if I am feeling especially annoyed at the lameness of conversation.. I live in very shallow Los Angeles.. so when I drop the "A" bomb it makes them all secretly grateful for their lives and stops the whining!!
glenna miller says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. If the truth be known they probably didnt want to know anyway-just making small talk. By the way--I LOVE YOUR POSTINGS!!!!!!!!
Anonymous says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:27 pm

Had similiar conversation with a nurse today also.Wanted to know if I had finished my shopping yet, I told him my oldest son I'm giving cash to and my (21) yr. old I finished my shopping with him a month or so ago, because I get all his stuff on e-bay. He looked kinda like he wanted to ask why e-bay? Didn't feel like sharing the whole experience of why I have to, so I just said, he likes unusual things. Could you imagine the look if I said, I already received his vintage vacuum cleaner one of 10 he didn't have yet, or any book or toy showing lawnmowers, a 1992 Fisher Price cassett radio that finially died after replaying three blind mice 19,874 time in the last 21 yrs. I was so excited I got that same radio in brand new condition, that makes my Christmas already!
- Anonymous says:
  
  December 5, 2012 at 11:49 pm
  
  Sounds very cool...wtg with the cassette player.
- ammarenee says:
  
  December 6, 2012 at 12:41 am
  
  There needs to be a like button. Way to go on the cassette player!
- Anonymous says:
  
  December 6, 2012 at 12:59 am
  
  Oh, wow! Our son is almost 15 and we basically replace his worn out toys on holidays now, too. This made me realize that a day may come that we can't find replacements anymore!!! Oh, the horror! I better get busy stockpiling!!!
- Anonymous says:
  
  December 6, 2012 at 1:27 am
  
  Yes, buy more before you can't find them anymore. We've found out the hard way, stockpiling duplicates is the way to go.
  
  My son is a hoarder, so his room spilled out into our house years ago. My kitchen cabinets are filling with his "things".....
Patty(the other King Kyle's Mom) says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:27 pm

My son is 9 & just started"getting" the holidays last year. Hang in there! As for the small talk, I would have answered just like you did if I was with people I don't feel like hearing from how there secretary's neighbors cousin's friends Dentist has a relative with Autism.
spectrummom says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:37 pm

I know. Most of my patients know I have 3 kids with autism. But when people are clueless and you just want banter, not discussion it's not on the topic list. And if you drop the word, everything freezes. And then have to cope with "Oh, I'm so sorry." *I'm* not sorry, this is just life as we know it. But on anything but a very superficial level, we have nothing in common.
Anonymous says:

December 5, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I'm still in the witness protection program...I also don't want "A" to consume my life - or my child's - more than it HAS to; which is difficult.
Anonymous says:

December 6, 2012 at 12:21 am

I think you handled it great, as you say what is no one else's business is no one else's business, you never need to exploit your child or your life and they probably didn't detect any "WTP" in your answers, unless they're nosey women. I don't even use the "A" word with my family because the second it slips out that is what EVERYONE remembers about you and your family, that you're a "special needs family" and we here are so much more than that! Love you and your posts, they create community more than any other A-word related site I've ever visited in the past 2.5 years since we got the dx. Thanks! Rachel
Bobby says:

December 6, 2012 at 12:23 am

I totally feel your pain there. I am totally the social awkward dork when it comes to small talk about kids with people whose children are "typical."
Ryan's mom says:

December 6, 2012 at 1:17 am

I have five kids and Ryan is my middle one. He also is severe non verbal autism. I deal with parents from both sides. I find I need to sometimes be with my friends without autistic kids to be away from it all and then end up aggravated over the fact that their biggest issue is who is driving where and going where this weekend. I think you did a great job, it is all about how comfortable you are and when you want to talk about it. Your son, your life, your choice!!!