(originally written & published on June 5, 2011)
I hope people don’t take this the wrong way and before I say it I just want to say that all people are welcome on this page regardless of their backgrounds or beliefs. I want this autism page to be (for the most part) free from all the debates i see on alot of other autism pages about whether certain vaccines cause autism, whether Autism Speaks is good or evil, whether this treatment is better than that treatment (trust me we’ve tried them all), whether using meds on our kids is good or bad, etc, etc.
The reason for this post? At least once a day on my AD page/blog somebody will write something to the effect of “God only gives special kids to special parents” or “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle” or my favorite…”your son’s autism is a gift from God”
I don’t believe any of these statements.
One thing I think you should know about Autism Daddy is that I do not believe my son having autism is a gift from God, and that God only gives us what we can handle. Now again i don’t want to lose people by saying this. Again you are ALL welcome here. If your religion makes the daily struggle of autism easier to take, God bless (no pun intended). I wish I had something to make the struggle a bit easier to take, so I envy you folks there.
But I was raised Catholic. Lost my taste for it years back. I guess I believe that there’s an all powerful being out there. But I find it hard to fathom why any God would intentionally give children a disability. I’m in this autism world over 6 years now and not a day goes by when I don’t see a father with a typical son and I think what if and I HURT. I thought it would get easier as the years pass, and yet it didn’t.
So I didn’t sign up for this and I refuse to believe that someone or something CHOSE me and my wife to raise a son with autism and it’s a gift. I mean I love my son. After 3 miscarriages HE was a gift. But the autism? That’s some CRAPPY gift. That’s a gift I’d like to return.
I also hate when people say “I don’t know how you guys do it. I wouldn’t be able to do it.” I mean c’mon the wife and I are no saints, we’re just doing what anybody else would do. We are raising our kid the best we can. Nothing more, nothing less.
We are not even close to perfect. We yell at the king when we know he can’t always help what he’s doing wrong. We curse. Getting ready and getting out of the house on a typical school day can be EXCRUCIATING.
Also you should know that we are not what the wife calls “uber autism moms & dads”. We have done alot of the biomedical stuff and kinda got burned by a few (made him worse?) but we don’t keep food diaries and track/log his moods. We don’t always engage him as much as we should. There’s a point of every day where the wife and/or I are exhausted and we just leave him alone in his playroom to destroy it while we spend 30-60 minutes vegging out watching tv or playing with the iPad.
We know it’s wrong. We know that’s time we could be reading him a book or engaging him in an activity. And we know keeping a food diary or a history of all the supplements & meds we’ve tried would be a smart thing to do… but we haven’t yet.
So there you go, proof that we are not even close to perfect. Maybe we are TOO selfish. (I wrote another blog post about how selfish we are that you can read HERE :-).
But getting back to the religion thing…
I don’t think my son having autism is a gift from God but I envy you if your religion makes autism easier to take. The wife and I used to kid about getting into Scientology because they all seem so happy. (See Tom Cruise on Oprah’s couch). And maybe Scientology would make the day to day autism stuff easier to swallow.
I think we are both open to having religion back in our lives, any religion, something spiritual, but we haven’t found the right one yet.
So again, I hope I don’t lose anybody. And also please remember that I am looking at severe autism, the non verbal, head banging, playing with saliva variety. If your religious beliefs make the day to day autism easier to take, good for you. You know what makes my day to day autism easier to take? TV, running, my wife, my dog and a little white pill I started taking a year and a half ago (I wrote about my magic pill in another post that you can read HERE :-).
So for now, those are my religions.
THE END 🙂
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I LOVE IT! (and by definition I am considered religious) It makes me FURIOUS when people make comments like "God doesn't give more than you can handle!" First of all I don't believe God "gives" anything like Autism or any other "bad" thing, second I have a close relationship with God and I KNOW he KNOWS I can't handle this that's why I give it up to him! We are so similar in our approach to this autism mess. I try to do as much as I humanly can and I often feel guilty because I don't do enough...But I believe in a more balanced life. OMG my life can't always revolve around Johnny! I have two other kids and they need me too. And if from time to time I don't ignore EVERYONE and veg out no one would be safe! As for the "wonder parent" comments they just help ease my guilt for sitting on the couch all day on Saturday reading blogs. (at least it looks like I'm a good parent!)
Wow... I am so glad I found your page. I have always been close to god and talked to him everyday, til I had Savannah my 11 year old daughter with severe Autism... I begin to blame god and question why he would do something to us and ur daughter since i was always so close to him...we had a breaking point 2 years ago in my marriage and started to pray again and do feel like god had lead me in the right direction now.... Working night shift for 9 years while my husband works days and working the days he is off and never seeing each other plays a big toll on a marriage... I pray to god and talk to him and dint feel I have to go to a church to hear man's word on God when I can read it for myself... Beside Savannah in a church...wow she pulled a 80 year old ladies wig off one Sunday and we never went back.. but you have to do what is best for you and your family... You can't be super dad all the time... I think we all try to grasps at anything to help our children, but being a psych nurse and taking care of severely mentally disabled people I can say nothing works forever. What helped Jenni Mc. Son isn't going to help others. I have read her books and they are great but it didn't help my daughter. After 10 years of trying everthing to cure her, I have finally realized... Love is the best thing for her, keeping my marriage happy, keeping my kids happy and having peace in knowing I have done everything I can for her, and to keep her safe..
I feel so very similar. I wish my more-religious-than-I-am wife could get it. I see my friends with their "normal" kids and just want to bawl sometimes. When I have some privacy I hate to admit it but I do cause no one can seem to just leave me alone to get it out of my system. I already find myself doing some of what you do, but then again I'm "lucky" in that my son has a much milder form of autism than yours, but he's not 3 yet even so who knows what the future holds.
very well said.
Autism Daddy,
I agree with you on so many levels. Two of my children have autism, one with severe autism. It's a daily struggle. Those that say, "God won't give you more than you can handle." aren't speaking biblical truth. It's not in there. It's not in the bible. They are misquoting, "I can do all things through Christ Jesus." I totally believe that God did not create or choose my kids to have autism. It goes against everything that I belive God to be based on the Christian scriptures. Because of the Fall and the introduction of sin into the world everything got crazy and messed up and now nothing is perfect. But when we rely on God we can get through the day. We can say I can get through tomorrow although no one understands the pain, the heartache, the constant mess, the unability to keep any furniture nice, neat or at all without getting broken. Cleaning feeces and urine off the floor daily is an emotional challenge. Fighting to keep clothes on is a daily challenge. These things are not of God. It's not His nature. His nature is to stand by us and help us grow into perfection which will only occur when we are reunited with Him in heaven. These are my beliefs based on non-denominational bible based thinking. Many may disagree with me. I can't wait to meet my "real" son in heaven. The one that is locked deep inside. The one dying to get out that the natural world by work of the devil has locked away. The only thing I can do is ask God to help me get through each day, enjoy the glimpses of who my son is through little fun, good moments during the day, and hopefully one day in heaven I will be able to meet him. Sorry for the long post. Autism pains me each day. It's hard to get out of bed, but my only hope comes from a God who I believe loves me and my son. I pray you find what you are searching for spiritually. I can only hope you grow to love the God I believe is real. Praying for you!
Very well said. God Bless you and everyone that has a special child. I see it as an honor to raise a child with special needs.
Actually, the verse that is being misapplied is I Corinthians 10:13: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear."
The problem is that that chapter is talking about temptation to sin, not dealing with life's circumstances.
And while I am a Christian and can see God's hand in my life, the other phrase that gets on my nerves? "God is in control". It has been used on me as a thought-stopping cliche, and that is why I resent it.
iam a dad and yes its hell some days. and no one realy understands what our life is like o yes they say this and that and some days i feel like saying to them f--k off i do not want to here your shit our son is a cool kid he is 13 now and this autism is hell on him and us hey thanks for yous being here for us we look all the time we may not say anythink but we are always here
I love you - you are a Real Man - living in a Real Family. Your son is lucky to have you and your wife - no he wasn't a gift from a Deity - but he is your "gift" (both good and challenging) - and you do so well by him.
Very well said!!
Thank you,thank you,thank you!!! for being honest,sometime I think I'm a bad parent when I hear or read a parent saying or commenting they would never change a thing abt their child while I wish every day I could change this life for him and our family.
Thank you for having the courage to write how many autism families function. We are not all perfect! As a mom of two kids on the spectrum we live day by day here (some days better then others). I am always feeling guilty that I feel sorry for myself or I give in to the the kids too much or I am too harsh and yell to much, or I don't give enough time to "the cause". BUT I Love my kids and try, and that is the best I can do.
I truely believe if u lose people over this they are not human. Every one has their own beliefs and so on. I to have a son with server autism. The only difference is my son says some words. He bites his hands till they bleed. Here in Aust we get door knocks from religious ppl. They ponce said he was a gift from their god. I turned around and said. If he is a gift from god. Why the he'll was he born with autism. I know autism isn't a gift. It is hard work that puts strain on your relationship. I love your page both ur blog and your Facebook page your doing what all all of us do