(originally written & published on January 15, 2012)
I hear alot on my Facebook Page from women who say that their husbands bailed out on their families/ marriages due to the stresses of autism in their lives. And every day I see another new Facebook page from single autism moms like “Single Mothers who have Children with Autism” and “Tales Of A Single MomRaising A Child With Autism”
The whole thing, the idea of leaving your family due to a disability sounds so completely bizarre to me that I thought about writing a letter to these dads… And here it is…
A letter to the autism dads that left and to the ones who are thinking about leaving….
(I know, I know moms sometimes leave too…but the dads leave more often… so that’s who this letter is for)
________________________________
Dear Dads,
Let’s get something out of the way right out of the gate. Let’s admit it. Let’s call a spade a spade You were a jerk already, before the autism, right? You probably would’ve left for some other reason. It was already in your DNA to be a loser, right?
Let’s be honest, if you didn’t have a kid with autism I still don’t think you’d be winning any father/husband of the year awards…
If you leave your wife and family cuz of autism then I’m betting you probably never would’ve been satisfied with your life /marriage and probably would’ve bailed at some point no matter what the circumstances or stayed and been miserable and/or a jerk. Because if you honestly left your wife and family solely because of the hardships of life with this condition than you are not a man. You are a weasel.
I mean if your kid had cancer would you have left? Would you have left your wife to deal with all of the stress alone then? Or what about some other disease/ disorder? Or what about cerebral palsy or down syndrome? Would those have sent you running for the hills? Or what was it about autism that scared you off so much?
I mean I get it fellas, you may not be able to have the “typical” family life you were always expecting. You may not be able to take your kid to the ballgame, or play catch, or a million other things, but “WAAAA!” stop crying and get over it… And do something to be happy! I mean what else are you gonna do? Try again for a typical family with another woman? What if the autism is in your genetics? You gonna keep trying to you get it right?
Now if you already left and divorced your wife. It’s not too late to step up and be a man and be an integral part of your ASD kid’s life.
Learn more about him. Learn what makes him tick. Take him more often and give your ex-wife a break more often. Take your kids for an extra weekend here, a week off from school there. Give your ex-wife a small chunk of the peace and quiet that you get all the time since you bailed out.
But when you do have the kids please abide by the rules your ex-wife has set up. You bailed out and left her in charge. So now you have to accept the decisions / choices that she’s made. If she’s got the kids on the GFCF diet, stick to it even if you don’t agree with it. If she’s got rules about how much tv they can watch abide by it. You gave up your right to help make those decisions. The least you can do is follow the rules / protocols she’s set up. RESPECT HER CHOICES.
And also try to be a unified front both in your parenting of your kids and out in the world. What I mean by this is even though you’re divorced doesn’t mean you shouldn’t show up to your kid’s IEP meetings or open school nights or other important events like this. Even if you’re out of touch on the details just showing up as a sign of support and solidarity goes a long way!!
So if you were a loser who bailed on your wife / family because of autism, it’s not too late for you to step up and be a real man! You can even start today! Instead of going somewhere to watch the NFL Playoff games today call your ex-wife and grab your kids for the day and give her a break. You can always DVR the games and watch them tonight. I know you don’t want me to let all te women in on our little secret… But all us men know that if you remove the commercials, timeouts and halftime the average football game can be over in about 52 minutes…. 🙂 So now you’ve got no excuse not to start today!
And to the dads of newly diagnosed kids with autism that are thinking about leaving…
Stay.
You don’t need to reinvent yourself and become this super amazing autism dad. That’s not what your spouse is looking for. Just be a wee bit better than the husband / father you were before autism hit.
If you were the kinda husband / father that went out 3x a week with the fellas, poker one night, golf on Saturday, football on Sunday, then that’s the precedent your family dynamic has set. So when autism enters your household don’t think your wife is looking for you to drop everything, just drop one of them, maybe two on stressful weeks.
And then pretty much do all the things I suggested to the divorced dads above. Be more involved, be a unified front, respect her decisions, etc, etc.
But if you are gonna stay in the marriage you have to be there. Be present. Don’t stay if you’re gonna stay and be miserable and distant and drag your wife down with you.
I would leave if I felt i was dragging my wife down. But first I’d try to make myself better, thru drugs or running or something. Read this other post of mine with more tips and pointers on how to be happy in your marriage when autism comes along.
And to both the dads who bailed because of autism and the dads who are thinking about leaving because of autism… the fact that you are reading this is a big step. It’s not too late for you to make things right and to step up a be a real man, a true father, a good husband or ex-husband. Just take the first step. And if you ever want to chat about things or need a male shoulder to masculinely cry on 🙂 please join my Facebook page or email me at theautismdaddy@gmail.com
Sincerely yours,
Autism Daddy
_________________
UPDATED 9/15/14
Every time I re-post this blog post on Facebook I always get a lock of flack. So I’ll say 2 things straight away…
1) Yes, I know moms leave too… but c’mon it’s way more often dads…
but if it makes you feel any better, then re-read this post and replace the word “dad” for “parent” and then most of it still applies…
2) I know people leave their marriages for tons of other reasons. If you left for another reason then this letter doesn’t apply to you.
This letter only applies to the dads (ok, parents) that specifically left because the hardship of the diagnosis sent them running for the hills…we all know those guys/gals are out there…
if that’s not you, if you left for other reasons, then this letter doesn’t apply to you so you shouldn’t feel the need to defend yourself to me (a complete stranger)
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Great letter.
I'm at the other end of things. I have two autistic daughters and was a stay at home dad from the get go. It was my wife that bailed out on us when our daughters were quite young. She is still involved with the kids in a superficial way (her name is on the mortgage and she sees $$$$ signs) but it has been me doing it all. I will never marry again. Have a very hard time getting involved and have met women who can't deal with my kids. Such is life. One day at a time.
David
I was raised by my father, and for it I am a stronger woman than most. I know it and Im ashamed to say it. I would not be half the woman I am had I been raised by anyone besides my father. My hat is off to you, and I hope one day you find someone who recognizes your greatness. Shawna Tidwell
@ David Whitmon.. Don't give up ... My fiancé had been a single father with 2 boys in the autistic spectrum (severe), for 5 yrs. the biological mother left them cause she couldn't handle the boys being autistic.. She then had a 3rd child also with autistism, he is now 3 yrs old .. (from a different father).. The woman has no involvement with the boys .. The last time we asked her to watch the boys, she left the 11 yr old soiled in his pants.. She had called us and left a MSG on our voicemail, that her son had an accident, and she had no other clothing for him , and she specified she was gunna leave him as is!! What a B:#*¥!!! We then picked him up.. I spoke to her on phone and asked her why would she do that to her son?? In my opinion she evil!! My fiancé and I are with boys everyday !! My fiancé was workin and haven to be hOme in time for the bus to drop off boys from school .. And when my fiancé needed a baby sitter to watch the boys when boys had no school.. He would go to the biological moms house (she lives with her parents), and they wouldn't answer the door.. He then had to quit his job, and there are no day cares who are specialized on special needs children.. I have 5 children of my own.. 2 are adults, and 3 of them live with us.. We have been learning a lot about the boys, beginning with sign language and routines in our life .. School comes to our house and helps us out.. We are blessed to have the boys with us.. I love my fiancé and his boys sooo much!! Big part of my life .. And yes, we accept the fact te biological mother doesn't want to take part in boys life .. Her lost!!
@David you will meet someone one day thats what everyone tells me i think we just need to stay true to who we are and let our inner spirit shine :)and i think that one day i will meet someone and i hope he will be as lovely as you and autism daddy you guys give me hope that there are awesome fathers/husbands out there AND at Autism Daddy thank you for being so open and honest Well done on a another Awesome Post:)
David, mine left for other reasons, but the end result is the same. I am dating someone now that has not met my boys yet. He tells me he loves kids, so time will tell. Sending hugs to you!
I'm a single dad of three great kids. my youngest two are in the spectrum (aspergers and autistic). I had to quit my job working in the emergency department of the local hospital to care for my kids and the wife at the time. she could not cope, accept of want to learn what was needed - so she bailed and left me with it all. it was hard at first, but the more i did the better it got. I had to deal with it all from the first diagnosis, and never looked back - over the last 5 yrs, the kids have grown, adapted and continue to bloom. with the ex's disruptive input and behaviour being so detrimental to the children, i have full custody and she is on permanent supervised visits. I'm in the same boat as the other dad, no time for a relationship and trying to find someone that understands the situation is near impossible. I'ts my choice to put my life on hold for my kids and would not change it for quids. in fact, my relationship is much closer to them .
Don't give up guys, the right lady will come along, trust me women are in the same boat, you tell a guy you have a son with Autism they run for the door before ever meeting him, i've lost friends, family, babysitters....and my husband, only because he wasnt wanting to face the fact of Autism. heck maybe someone needs to start a Dating site for single parents of Autistic kids. Alteast everyone will be in the same boat, Good luck David!
David, & to all of the other single parents that cry themselves to sleep from frustration and exhaustion (I know I do and I am only a "Nanna" to my grandson and it seems that I never get it right, and am in tears all the time and cry myself to sleep out of exhaustion and total frustrastion & that is when I am visiting my daughter and him - he is going to be 5. However for a good while now I hear your frustration. I AM PUTTING TOGETHER A SINGLE'S DATING SITE FOR ALL OF THE SINGLE SPECIAL PARENTS WHO LITTERLY THINK THAT THERE IS NO ONE WHO CAN DEAL WITH THEIR KIDS! WRONG! I however am a single Nanna, and will never marry either. After watching my X torture and murder my rescue horses right in front of my eyes, that did it for me. My rescues were my life and they knew that I loved them without judgment and he hated that I had the bond with them and not him, so he punished me by torturing them by cutting their ears off, burning them with a welding torch, and much worse leaving my mare's 3 week old foal screaming for his momma. So Re-marry? I just don't think so. But I know that everyone needs someone, and thats why I am putting together this dateing site, it is still in the works, Rome wasn't built in a day! so hang in there and 50% of the proceeds will go Autism Speaks. I am not doing this for the money, by any means, I just know how hard it is when a single parent has little to no hair left, nails bit down to nubs, makeup...what makeup you cried it off after a 3 hour hurricane of atempting to achieve a quiet voice and calm body! and totaly frustrated that it's nice to just talk to someone who does understand, who cries also and wants to give up and can relate or who "gets it". I see what my daughter is going through and it breaks my heart. So hang in there and know that I am working on it. God gave you a blessing very few could handle!
you are amazing . Life is hard but , really. I truly think you are one in a million . Never forget that !!!!
I hear ya on the not marrying again. I have a daughter with spina bifida and hydrocephalus as well as moderate learning disabilities. It is extremely difficult to meet someone who is willing to put up with the challenges of a disabled child. In fact, I have actually had men block me from contacting them on dating sites when I told them. Also, had one guy cut a date short and say he was "sick". Nice, huh? It's definitely a lot easier to be single than deal with that crap.
It's extremely rare for it to go this way but I've heard of other mothers who left too. Life really is miserable. My husband died but I also won't remarry, I can't afford to take the chance of having an abusive man around my kids.
HI Faith, apparently it is not as extremely rare as you think, I two have two children on the spectrum and my ex-wife bailed three years ago. We are doing great :) I too have no time for a relationship, I know what it takes to start a new relationship and it would take one hell of a woman to jump into our world.
Take Care
Bruce
Don't give up! My Fiance and I are raising his daughter with moderate Classic Autism. It's not easy but I can't imagine my life without either of them. There are women and men out there willing to do what the bio parent wasn't.
lovely and brilliant letter as it is x
I salute all the autism dads out there that don't have to be one, but choose to be one. My 13 year old son has never had a relationship with his biological father. Three years ago a wonderful man came into our lives and became a father to my son even though he never had to be. He has always treated my son as his own, and has never looked back.
I am awe struck at this post. I have a dear friend with 3 children and two of them have autism. Her husband bailed on her and she was devastated. Just devastated. Your perception is right. He would have bailed on her anyway.
I have a cousin with twin 9 year old boys. Both have autism. Each one is on opposite ends of the spectrum. It is tough. Her husband, however, may not understand autism like some dads. But he would never dream of bailing on his family. He loves his wife and boys and he accepts his dear sons for who they are. But if their boys had been typical...he would not have bailed then either. Because he is not a jerk.
I LOVE YOUR BLOG. I cannot express how much it means to me to read your words. I respect you so much.
I can completley identify. My daughters father was my best friend of 13yrs. She was born w heart problems and they told us she would be disabled, possibly mentally retarded, and may not live past toddlerhood. His feet couldnt hit the pavement fast enough. I had no where to go, our baby was on life support after her open heart, and I ended up living at the Ronald McDonald house for some time. He told me to abandon the baby, come home n take care of him and if I hadnt he would find someone else. I refused to leave my baby so He moved his ex and her five children in, they took everything I owned, furniture, clothes, even all the baby supplies!!! Then on top of it all, she was stalking me, he was giving her names, addresses. and phone #s to do so and even delivered a hand written letter from her stating that if I went for child support, she would get her hands on my baby during visitation and I would get a dead baby back. Never in a trillion yrs would I have even dreamed up such a senerio, nor believed he would ever do such a thing.
Well, his ex wife had severe mental health issues (who would of thunk it. lol), abandoned him for a guy online, abandoned all of her children, and he got stuck raising them but continously being tormented by this woman. He ran after her, they went on n off between dozens of other men,She ended up almost killing one of her children and then herself and was institutionalized. I should write a book, i tell ya! lol. He recently contacted me (after being lonley and abandoned for yrs) & had the audacity to say "he had to do what he had to do, and he did what was right, and he had to take care of these other kids".
Unfortunatley, I seem to meet one jerk after another. They seem great until they learn of or meet my angel. The either pretend to be ok with it, try to deal with it, have no interest in being around her, or lead me along for a long time and then decide they cant accept her, or the last one was clearly wanting me to get rid of her so she would he out of his way (turned out to b very needy, selfish, high maintenance, and wanted to be total center of my attention/affection). Why are men like this???. Because of my circumstances and me being the only care provider, I can not hold a job, and seems like most men assume I am lazy, taking advantage of the system, or just looking for a meal ticket for my daughter and I, all of which are the farthest from the truth. Very frustrating!!!
You go girl !!! My mom did the same thing with brother never worked since she had us. He needs around the clock help. I have two Autism twins it gets rough n lonley but only God knows who is a fit for us. I had to let my youngest daughter father go cuz I fell out of love with him. Cuz he ignorant toward the illness. My kids come first
Amen Awesome MOM! I can only imagine that your little angel is as special to you as my grandson is to me. He has Autism and his father-A.K.A-the sperm doner wants nothing to do with him or his mother. He actualy expects my daughter to support him because he is the father. I know makes no snese but then again he is nothing more than a sperm doner. I give you kuddos & Blessings. Always remember "God Doesn't like Ugly" and your daughter's so called father-A.K.A- SPERM DONER is UGLY! Children are a gift from God.
I like the dating site idea.
Couldn't have said it better myself! My son was born with multiple disabilities and has autisim. My partner never spent any quality time with him and left it up to me.On top of that he expected a spotless house, dinner when he arrived home from work and for me to "look after him" by laying his clothes out for him when he was getting ready to have a life. He never attended any doctors appointments, training, info sessions or family days organised by the various organisations we were involved in. I worked so hard day after day with my son on things such as,using pics to comunicate, a bedtime routine, and exposing him to new enviroments and situations. However it was like hitting my head against a brick wall because my ex would not even try to listen to how my day was let alone what he could do to help his son.I was then asked to leave the house and I am now on my own with my 2 kids renting and feeling terrible that I most likely will be moving my autistic child to a new home every few years.My ex has had limited time with his kids, has let them down by not following through with the promised sleep over and has responded with "its your call" when I told him I would be going to get full custody.I feel as though I will be alone forever as I dont get a break to have any kind of life outside my role as a mother and carer, however I am determined to make sure a "weasel" like that doesnt hold me back!
A great letter again! My son is 11 and quite severe, and our WHOLE WORLD has been torn apart and turned upside down. Key word is 'our'. Guilty of the 'distant' part at times. Will make a conscious effort today after reading this!
Good on you for owning you past mistakes Pete! Good luck with your efforts to be more involved!! It will be so worth it for all of you!! Kristy
from all us moms, thank you..I have an amazing husband helping me with our twins who are autistic plus two more. HE IS SET APART BECAUSE HE FEELS LEAVING HIS FAMILY IS NOT AN OPTION!I know so many mamas who do this alone and I ache for them.
Wow & Thank You...in my case my ex boyfriend I knew was a VERY weak man..felt it in my heart from the very beginning of our relationship but he was such a sweetheart so loving & caring..We have a 4yesr old son born Profoundly Deaf & has Autism( Moderate/Severe) in the 4 years I think he has seen him 5 times (MAYBE)he has been to only 2 appointments with us..I have gone thru surgeries sitting in a waitting from as the single mom ALL by myself while I had to sit there & watch a Mom & Dad wait for their child..I gave him many chance to be here to help to be a part of my son's life but he thinks once a year or whenever he feels guilty he will try That is NOT acceptable..He now has been in a new relationship & NOW has the nerver after a year goes by have his new girlfriend texting me asking me when can he see his SON!!! I refuse to answer for reasons 1) I dont kno who this woman is 2)I owe her NO explanation 3)she has NO business texting me!!!
My guess is she is trying to step up to make him a better person. It's the woman's instinct to make it right with a child & I find it is usually the woman pushing the "man" to do his part.
With the way you have described this guy, I would say that he's MAKING her txt you so that he can try to push your buttons. If she was truly trying to make him a better person, she would have introduced herself and asked what she could do to help make things better. That's just my opinion on it.
I can tell you that my sons father did the same thing he used his then girlfriend/now wife to see my son(sorry I call him mine cuz his dad left when I told him I was pregnant, so my son is mine not ours) I let him go a couple of times and she couldn't handle him and she even slapped him.So he hasn't seen him in over 5 years then we seen him at the county fair and he looked right at him and walked away. my son stood there and cried cuz his dad didn't say hi! So I know how you feel!
LOVE THIS LETTER! Thank you for telling it like it is. I think a copy of this letter should be given to Dads on the day of their kids diagnosis.
I am one of the lucky ones I guess. I have a supportive husband who is extremely involved. But whenever we walk into meetings together, the fact that we are always together is commented on. Because they are surprised to see it. And I am sure that it also has something to do with the fact that we are a working class Latino family - Latino men have an especially hard time with having an autistic son.
Last father's day I wrote a post about fatherhood and autism. Hope you don't mind me sharing it here - http://www.autismwonderland.com/2011/06/you-dont-raise-heroes-you-raise-sons.html